CHALLENGE: 7 days - $500 - buy swap and sell can it be done?

Since getting a lot of things out with my mental health team I am finding a little more motivation (hence 2 blog posts in 2 days!), I have set myself a challenge, I have 2 days off work, I am going through EVERYTHING and tossing what we don't use, read and wear. Well not tossing (unless it is worthy of tossing!) everything will be listed on buy swap sell in an effort to raise $500 in 7 days.

I'll give you a bit of a back story as to why I want $500 in a short space of time, recently my husband and I have been working on our relationship and if you've ever followed this blog or my page you'll know it has been fragile for a while. We have talked and made some serious commitments to both change our ways, work together as a team instead of against each other.

Rewind to February just after I got back from the UK - that's another post I need to write about! Back on topic, the husband and I made our most expensive purchase yet as a couple. We bought "Flic"
 

My husband has been a truck driver since we met 11 years ago, more specifically he has been a furniture removalist ever since I met him and in that first week of meeting spoke of his dreams to own his own truck and his own removals company. Something financially we never imagined possible though. Until now.

So we had Flic and couldn't afford a trailer yet so he has been doing some haulage work while we save and we have just put our name down for a trailer! It is a bit of a scary world as we have never had finance or repayments of this kind ever but we are committed to making it work. With my business knowledge, his experience in the industry I know we can make this work.

Back to my $500, to 100% secure this trailer we need a $2000 deposit within 7 days, by the time hubby gets paid for the week we will have that but we also have a fuel bill so I am trying to relieve a little pressure.


Some of you maybe thinking right now, why are we doing this? Why put extra pressure on ourselves financially like this? Well I'll tell you! To form a successful business you have to put money, time and effort in to reap the reward, this has been my husbands goal for over 11 years, we are building a future for our children, when we are up and running we will be in a position to buy a house which we couldn't do before, my husband can be home more eventually (not in the beginning stages) so although the start is tough, the result will be more than worth it.


I'll be sure to do some updates on how the buy swap challenge goes!

Calling out Juice Plus etc reps - my mental health is NOT your invitation

Brace yourselves this is a rant post, also I do just want to say before I get going that this is NOT directed at all reps or the company themselves, I am sure there are thousands of fantastic reps and that the products are great.

So here is where my rant begins, I make my mental health no secret, I believe in ending the stigma, I believe I have nothing to hide or to be ashamed of and that those around me are more able to communicate better with me or even help me if they know what is going on and how I am feeling.


Today I had a counselling appointment that was quite confronting, talking about rape and the death of my children. I made a Facebook post that following this appointment I was feeling fragile and ordering pizza for dinner. Those that know me or even follow my blog or page know we eat healthy most of the time.


So this is where I got a message (probably a meaning well message) asking if I had thought about joining or using the products from Juice Plus, I replied saying I knew a few family members who did it but it is something I am not interested in, the response to this was about mental health and how I can reduce or eliminate my medication from using the products and that my (mostly) clean eating doesn't help my body like these products will. 

Firstly borderline personality disorder and bipolar have no cure, they can be managed yes but not cured, I also don't appreciate being a target for cold marketing because I have these conditions. It is just like approaching an overweight person and saying hey here's my weight loss products - you just shouldn't do it!

Good for you that you have a business that you want to do well but this is NOT the right approach. Bringing my mental health into it will not make me want to buy your products, in fact it will do just the opposite. Talk about the benefits sure, do not make me a target! 

Weetbix bliss balls

For the last few years I've been very health conscious about the kids lunchboxes, which can be hard with allergies but the benefits certainly come in their behaviour. 

Since joining Healthy Mummy we have been doing some experimenting to mix things up a bit, make it a bit more exciting than just carrot sticks and fruit. 

I came across a recipe for weetbix bliss balls and since we have somehow ended up with 3 boxes of weetbix why not! 

All up including clean up this took me 15 minutes and I made a double batch. 

Click here for the

recipe

 

30 Bags in 30 Days

30 bags in 30 days is a technique I found via 

Mum Plus Four

Basically in 30 days bag up 30 bags full of things from the dot pointed areas, sell it, donated it, bin it just get rid of it!

This came around at the perfect time, it's not overwhelming everything is broken down, we have too much stuff, I want to live more minimal for a while. 

Here is my list. 

 

Medicine cupboard

Make up

Bathroom cupboard

On top of fridge

Linen cupboard

Small appliances 

Pantry

Under kitchen sink

Boys toys

Girls toys

Boys clothes

Girls clothes

Books

On top of dryer 

My clothes 

Hubby's clothes 

DVDs/Xbox games

Girls wardrobe

Tupperware cupboard (eekkk!) 

Garage

Back shed

Car

Dining room drawers 

Sock basket

Craft things

Lounge room drawers

My wardrobe 

Teddies

Back yard 

Outdoor toys 

Since I left my ex 11 years ago I've become a bit of a hoarder, gaining control back of my life I've taken on these possessions and clung to them because he could no longer take them BUT it has come at a cost to my mental health. I can't deal with the clutter anymore. 

Everyday I'll document how I went. I'll most likely do weekly blog posts on it because I don't think I'll get much of a blog post from my medicine cabinet haha! 

The things that I list for sale will have 7-10 days (I'm undecided at the minute) to sell and if it doesn't then it will be donated. 

I'm feeling really good about this and going to start right now!! 

Nachos YUM!

Normally you think of nachos you think corn chips loaded with salsa from a jar and oodles of cheese, this isn't the nachos we have, the ones we have are filled with healthier alternatives.
Since joining Healthy Mummy we have been creating lots of our naughty favourites with a healthy twist and they not only taste so much better they make you feel a lot better.

Here are the Healthy mummy nachos I haven't stuck to these 100% but they make a fantastic base.
You can load these up with so much, usually we do avocado, capsicum, sour cream (trying to find a dairy free alternative), tomato, the meat in the above recipe link and some lemon pepper. Each time we make them though they're a little bit different and each time they taste so good and everyone has empty plates within 10 mins!

2017 Goals - new year, new beginnings

You've already thought it with the title right? So cliché .... I know! BUT this year I mean it, 2016 has been a whirlwind of a year (to be honest the last 5 years have)
Something needs to change or this family will collapse, whilst I hold this family together by being the main care provider especially while my husband works 1800km away, I am also one of the reasons it is falling apart, one of the main reasons to be completely truthful.

My goals:

Get stable with my mental health

My mental health has sucked this year and I haven't really had any supports in place, this would be the number one goal as I feel most other aspects that I am struggling with stem from this.

Look after my body more

It's no secret that when you eat like crap you look and feel like crap. Hopefully combining goal #1 and goal #2 will have me feeling better (both inside and out), looking better, losing so weight and having lots more energy and motivation to tackle my day.
I'll be signing up for a new round of The Healthy Mummy 28 Day Challenge - I find having that supportive community and guidance a real motivator.

Boost my businesses

With my mental health (see how I said most issues stemmed from this!) I can't go out and get a regular job (YET!) so I work from home.
A Rainbow Doula is my main business where I am focusing on postpartum care (I can't really do births at the moment with my husband being away) and placenta encapsulation.
Kaszazz a hobby that pays! I love to scrapbook and make cards as well as off the page projects, with Kaszazz I get discount products and starting to build a customer base.
Younique is amazing! Great quality make up at great prices. I have built up amazing confidence when it comes to make up now and most of the time I can lift a down in the dumps day with a bit of lippy and mascara
Love The Crafty Butterfly as I mentioned I love to craft, its a great therapy for me but I cannot possibly keep everything I create!

Spend less, live moreHaving fun isn't always about money. I need to start saving to buy land. I'm a compulsive spender and going to work really hard on this.

Smashed my goal!

Totally smashed the goal today! Today had good points and bad. Motivation was found, tears were shed (in the changing rooms at Target!) and I set some goals.

I had to go to Target to buy a new bra, one that fit and one that gave support, unlike the one I had on which was the most unflattering bra the world has ever seen, zero support in fact made my boobs look saggier than wet sand in a sock, I'm not ready for that look at 29. Anyway moving past the illusion of saggy boobs from my unflattering bra .... I found a really nice bra and took it to the fitting room. Put it on and what the hell did I see? Back fat!! Overhang from the top of the bra band, what??!!! Where did this come from? I've never had to get a size 14 bra ever, why was a 12 doing this even on the last hook! I was mortified.
How I fit comfortably into a size 10 top yet bulge in a size 12 bra still has me bewildered, maybe the sizing works a little differently? This gave me the kick I need though, I don't want over hang, its not sexy at all! I still bought the bra, as a goal, it will fit by my birthday (in January)

Now the good side of the day, the girls were at school, the twinadoes were at kinder so just me and the animals. I took one of the dogs for a walk as the other is still learning to walk on a lead and goes for short walks, I wanted something longer so took the older of the two. We walked for 3.61km which took 42 minutes. I aim to get faster at this but I do need Dex to cooperate with that as he stops to sniff everything and pee on every tree.
I smashed my daily goal of 10,000 steps YAY. First full day of having my Fit Bit and I smashed it so I am feeling really good about that and I am coming 3rd already in a weekly steps challenge that I joined yesterday with the Healthy Mummy group.

All in all a good day!

10,000 steps

eekkk! It's Christmas at my house today! My new fit bit and fit bit scales have arrived.
With a goal to lose 10kg and 10% body fat I need the motivation. The warmer weather is here, I'm feeling good and setting my goals.
Lucky for me with 2 energetic staffys we get plenty of walks so hopefully I see those numbers climb.

It's amazing how many steps can be done. I did 2000 just cleaning the house today.
Tomorrow I'll be showing off my goodies for you and showing you my goals. I just wanted to pop by now and scream it from the rooftops that my pretties are here.

Watch this space tomorrow!!

21 Day Destash - Declutter - Challenge Accepted

The quote "A cluttered home equals a cluttered mind" is one I believe to be true, it is for me anyway. Having 4 kids, a hoarding husband and running 3 businesses from home has my house looking like something out of a horror movie.
Needing some extra cash at the moment has inspired me to do a big clear out, go back to basics. We simply have way too much stuff. A lot I will be donating simply to get rid of it, some I will be selling.

The house is small and we have made it smaller, no matter how clean it is it's still horrible to look at. I can't stand it any longer.
Join me if you like or simply follow the mammoth task ahead of me.
Some days will be allocated as rest days so I do not overwhelm myself and give up. Bigger jobs will be broken up across a few days.

Lets get this started!!

DAY ONE: Adults clothing - I have way too many clothes, who can relate? I often think I like that or maybe I'll wear that when the weathers better instead it sits in the drawer for another year.
I am going to cut right back with my clothes, many don't fit anymore, many are not my style even.
What I'll be left with (hopefully!)
3x Jeans/Pants
2 x leggings
5 x skirts/shorts
3 x dresses
2 x bathing suits
3 x jumpers/jackets
4 x short sleeved tops
4 x long sleeved tops
4 x gym tops
2 x each season PJ's
1 x runners
1 x work shoes
2 x dress shoes

Hubby's clothes well, we will see what he is left with, he hangs on to things until they're literally a rag.

DAY TWO: Kids clothes
The kids (mainly the girls, actually mainly Miss 11 have ssoooooo many clothes, I could probably fill a shop!
They will be reduced to (each):
4 x jeans/'pants (6 each for the boys who still need spares)
2 x leggings (girls)
4 x shorts/skirts
2 x dresses
4 x short sleeved tops
4 x long sleeved tops
3 x jackets/jumpers
2 x dress outfits

The last 2 days should have had a huge impact in the amount of laundry I have to do which I'll appreciate.

DAY THREE: Books
We are big readers, which I love but we do have a lot of books many which are not read anymore so I will be sorting these out.

DAY FOUR: Rest day  - we all need those!!

DAY FIVE: Girl's wardrobe
OMG how much do kids accumulate? So much stuff they don't play with anymore, things they don't even know they still have. 30 million drawings from kinder (I'll keep the good ones), scraps of paper, no doubt broken lunchboxes etc.
My 11 year old doesn't really play with toys anymore so she doesn't need any, she loves her books, colouring and drawing. Miss 8 plays with selected things but also is a big reader and story writer. Goodbye dreading Littlest Pet Shops that they've finally grown out of (thankfully we skipped the shopkins faze!)

DAY SIX: My wardrobe
I think I am dreading this more than the girls to be honest. It has just become a storage place for anything that has no place - if it has no place and isn't sentimental then why are we keeping it?

DAY SEVEN: Linen cupboard
This cupboard is half Christmas decorations ad half towels and linen.
Ill be getting rid of most of the Christmas décor and downsizing the linen to 2-3 bedding sets each and 2 towels each plus 3 spares. Who needs 30 towels really?

DAY EIGHT: rest day

DAY NINE: Boys room
The room I dread the most, ssoooo much stuff, so much broken, unplayed with etc. Downsizing a lot here. Keeping their favourite toys like cars and superhero figures but that's about it. I do need to buy them a smallish wooden toy box as they had a huge one that I got rid of but they don't really have anywhere for their stuff now.

DAY TEN: Girls room
Now that I've done their clothes and their wardrobe fingers crossed this shouldn't take too long, though miss 8's version of cleaning her room is to shove it all under the bed - out of sight, out of mind - nice try!

DAY ELEVEN: My room
Again now that clothes and wardrobe are done this should be a piece of cake.

DAY TWELVE: rest day - no doubt very welcomed!

DAY THIRTEEN: Bathroom
Goodbye 5 year old mascara and those shampoo bottles with just dregs left in them. This room is probably going to be the easiest as there is only 3 small drawers and one very small cupboard.

DAY FOURTEEN: Re-evaluate clothing
By now I'll have done a few cycles of washing so time to make sure I have only what was assigned in the first few days

DAY FIFTEEN: Lounge room
Xbox games galore, storage under the turtle tank - the turtle tank in itself is due for a clean. This is the room we wind down in on an evening, I want it to feel relaxing, to be comfortable for guests. Eventually we need new furniture but that is eventually, what we have works at the moment though bulky, I just can't afford to change it at the moment.

DAY SIXTEEN: rest day

DAY SEVENTEEN: Laundry
With less clothes this should be a breeze! Our laundry is tiny so it doesn't take much to make it look cluttered and overwhelming.

DAY EIGHTEEN: Pantry
The pantry needs a whole day in itself, not having much cupboard space it also holds some appliances. Lots of foods we don't use or need. Having just joined Michelle Bridges 12 WBT a pantry makeover is in order.

DAY NINETEEN: Kitchen cupboards & bench
The benches thankfully are usually pretty clear. I'm going to organise the cupboards so that they are more practical and get rid of anything I no longer use. I will also be doing the drawers, less stuff = less dishes right?!

DAY TWENTY: Dining room/craft area
Anything that doesn't belong has to go! Also craft items that are no longer used will be sold.

DAY TWENTY ONE: Enjoy! I'm all done :)


Wish me luck I know I will need it.

My life, my gamble

I am not doing so well today.
A lady that works locally is trying to give my business a bad name, I have not done anything wrong but she is in some pretty hot water and dragging down numerous others with her.
I have nothing to worry about authority wise as everything is above board, but word of mouth is a pretty powerful tool and the things she has done to people previous and their families quite honestly I am worried, very worried. Not only for my business but for mine and my families safety.

My husband is away so I cannot talk to him about it, I am not sure he would even understand.
My addictions are screaming at me. I am trying so hard this year to be sober and not use alcohol as a coping mechanism and so far I have done OK, not brilliantly but not too badly. Today however I could drink myself into oblivion. I won't though. I have made myself a cup of tea and put a warning out on an addiction group, not so much a warning but a cry for help, a cry for support.

This group that I am talking about is fantastic, if any of you have any addiction problems or mental health or have friends and family that do it is a wonder, wonderful support owned by a very good friend of mine who was a gambling addict, she hasn't gambled for 2 years now and set up Life After The Gamble to help others through their addictions and daily battles.
Their are many people on there and many who I connect to due to self harming, mental health and addiction. It has become essentially my family and the admins have become some of my best friends despite living so far away.

The kids are all at kinder and school tomorrow and I have some running around to do but I am hoping I can take an hour or so just for me, not bother with the housework, I can do that on Tuesday but have a bath, read a book. Put today to the back of my mind and relax.

Anyway I better feed these kids so I can start doing the bedtime wind down, the twins have been absolutely horrible to get to sleep lately.

I see your true colours ...... and they're not pretty!

One thing about having mental illness is that you do analyze things, you do see who is really there for you and who isn't.
Today I have lost a friend who I thought would be there until the very end, what tore this friendship apart? A typo, yes you read correctly, my new phone changed a word where I did not want it to, I did not check this and now that person is posting not so nice stuff on their facebook, accusing me of things I am not.
Petty? Yes.
Childish? Yes.
Am I hurt? Yes
Will I move on? Absolutely!

This morning has given me the emotional void to think properly about things without the friendship tag getting in the way, I now see things differently, I see why this person cannot maintain friendships or hold down a job. Their attitude. A bad attitude is one of the most unattractive qualities a person can possess.
If you want to throw away what I believed to be a fairly solid friendship purely because of a typo then that is not my issue, it is not.
If the main concern was a typo rather than my daughters health who was in hospital then again the issue is not me.

A few years ago I truly believed that the strength of your support network was determined by the size, I was wrong it is by the quality not the quantity. Today I am again reminded of that.
Quality not quantity.

Now this is not a blog to hate on that person or anything of the sort, mainly a vent, mainly telling myself that this is not my fault. My focus should be on those who do want to be a part of my life, those who won't walk away over a typo that I explained to them yet they continued to call me stupid and post statuses. Not my fault.

Now I am wiping my hands clean and walking away, focusing on the positive people around me, those who want to be around, those who will not purposely sabotage aspects of my life.
I deserve to be happy, I deserve friendship and I deserve support.  

Living in a world where I am my own worst enemy

Days like today I would give nothing more than to able to remove my own brain from my head and stomp on it a million times.
I am fighting a battle I feel I cannot win, the battle is against myself, against my illnesses, the demons from within are getting louder and making me weaker.
I can't do this, I am stupid, my husband doesn't love me, he is going to find better, my kids deserve better, I will never amount to anything ... the things constantly swimming around in my mind. A constantly judgement, a constant humiliation.

I am still on a waiting list to get in to see somebody about therapy, the hospital won't see me despite the suicidal idealizations the fact that I have not acted on it means I am no risk to myself or those around, so I have been told. I just want help, I just want to not feel this way anymore.

Teaching my children life skills

I am having a guilty mum moment, those moments where you realize you have failed in some way and wish you had a TARDIS to go back and help things change.
My almost 11 year old has never peeled a vegetable, the kids barely do any chores. I write out chore charts and don't follow them up because of the arguments it causes. This is about to change, they need to learn life skills and learn that housework is just part of life.

From now on (this time I really do mean it, I am tired from doing everything and they need to learn, plus they may even enjoy it!) each night a different child will help me cook even if it is just prepping veggies.
We are going to start eating at the table, the kids who are not cooking will help each other in setting the table, the older two will help with dishes and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner.

Homework must be done before dinner or if there is no homework they may go on study ladder or do some reading. Education is important.

The twins can help fold tea towels and gather the socks and dishcloths. The older two will fold and each child will help put laundry away. I will be doing the washing of clothes and drying.

Everybody (adults included) will have their bedroom clean before bed.
Whoever uses the bathroom to shower will wipe it down when they are done.

If you take your clothes off you will take them to the laundry yourself.

Every weekend we will all pitch in to do some bigger tasks like cleaning the gardens up, prepping lunches for the week and wiping down the walls.

I asked in a parenting group I am a member in about what chores their kids do and I realized that my kids really do nothing at all, if I get everyone pitching in a little then things won't be as overwhelming for me, I know it won't happen instantly, it will take time. I think I will have more success with the kids than the husband though ;) Family is about being part of a team and working together.
My kids will have to sacrifice some of their time but I am hoping it helps us to communicate better, get them more active, learn and for us to bond better.

I have to think of some easy prep meals for the beginning, I will be assisting and think of some rewards. Maybe introduce pocket money and they get a deduction for everything they don't do and a reward for additional tasks.

I will let you all know how it goes! We are starting this immediately :)

The Bucket List of 2015

Inspired by culinary king, Mr Jamie Oliver I am doing a bucket list. It is a task on his You-app. I seriously love this guy, he is amazing and Jules is one extremely lucky lady to have snagged this Essex wonder. So here it is the bucket list for 2015. 1. Complete my midwifery of thanatology course 2. Post weekly to my blogs 3. Fit comfortably in a size 10 again 4. Have a working car again 5. Recreate 15 of my favourite English dishes to fit our dietary requirements 6. Do something that makes a difference to somebodies life 7. Do 5 pay it forward things from Willow's Touch 8. Do a Kaszazz workshop 9. Have a romantic night away with my husband 10. Save up $300 This is a list of things I WILL achieve by December 31, 2015.

Dear Miss C

Dear Miss C, I want to apologize firstly, I am sorry I am such a bad mum, I am sorry I depend on you so much to help me do things. I do get angry a lot because I ask for simple things and they get ignored like putting the toys away your were playing with and a week later I am still looking at them. I wrote job lists up for everyone to try and make things easier but nobody follows them and wonders why I am yelling that the house is such a mess. 6 people live here, it should not be just me that cleans. Yes I know you are just a child but a child must learn responsibilities and learn that there are things in life we must do that we do not enjoy. Dad hates being away from us working all the time but he does it for us, if we can all work as a team inside the house by getting things done we will have more time for movies and playing and doing crafts together. Things won't be as rushed and you will never have lost uniform and the mad Sunday rush to get ready for school. We have spoken about this many, many times so I thought it I write it all down when you're sad that I've got angry and been mean then you can read this to remind yourself why I get angry and also to remind yourself that no matter what I say I DO love you and ALWAYS will. I want to be a happy family, I want to be able to play monopoly and things without having to have to clean the table first, I want it so that things are already done, we can just play, wouldn't you like that too? I'm not saying in all of this that you don't help because you do, you are a big help and I don't know what I'd do without you but I just want us to come together and start working as a team, not against each other. I've bought you (all you kids) a book, it's called my happy sad mummy. Remember when I told you that I am sick but not a sickness you can see? I have what is called bipolar and borderline personality disorder and it is something wrong in my brain that makes me the way that I am, I do not like it and am trying to get it so I can manage it and feel better but it takes time and lots and lots of help from those around me. I love you little miss chicken legs, never ever forget that, even when I am angry and say things I do not mean, I love you more than words can describe. Love from mummy xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear Husband

Dear Husband, We have been through so, so much together. Joy, sadness, difficult times, amazing times. We have gained children, we have lost children. Together we have been through almost everything imaginable, although we have our rough times and they seem to take over the good times at the moment we are still here, still fighting together. I love you with all my heart, I know it hurts you when I say I want you to leave, it hurts me too - more than you'll ever know. I never asked to be diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It is scary, it is confusing, it has turned me into somebody I hate. I don't want to be a horrible wife or a horrible mother but it has warped me that way and I promise you I am going to do everything in my power to change that. I want to be able to show you all love not just hate, I don't want to be constantly yelling and feeling angry. The more angry I get, the more I hate myself, then that makes me angrier and we go around in a vicious circle. I am very, very grateful for everything (well most things!) that you do. You've spent hours and we have spent so much money trying to fix the car, you work hard to provide for us. We may not have much to show for it, we still rent, our furniture is crap and our house looks like shit but you work hard for us, you sacrifice spending time with us to be out on the road for days at a time for us. We love you for it. I love that look you get on your face when your eyes sparkle and you get those cute little dimples, I want to go back to the days where we would put the kids to bed and sit and spend time together, not just in the same room with you on the iPad and me on my phone but genuinely together, lying close to each other on the couch watching a movie or tv show. Even just working together like we used to like one washes one dries or one does the dishes while the other does the laundry, I miss being a part of your team instead it feels like we are opponents working against each other, can we change that please? I want to be on your team. Forever and Always Your awesome wife xoxo

Dear inlaws

Dear inlaws,
I have done nothing but love your son/brother through more than our fair share of thick and thin.
We have dealt with addiction, violence, him losing job after job, spending our savings on drugs, losing his license multiple times. We have lost 9 pregnancies together, had premature babies, had diagnosis of autism, allergies, asthma, dyslexia and anxiety in our children. I've been diagnosed with a handful of things too. We have had our fair share of rough. But I have been there, he has been there. We have done it together. Yet you still won't give me the time of day.
I have tried and tried to get the family to accept me. I have tried so hard to get you to like me. I have given family members food when they've had none, money, jobs even. None of it appreciated.
I have had my words twisted, false accusations and even my kids told what a horrible person I am.
Somebody sees a Facebook post mentioning family it's spread around like wildfire that it's about one of you. I do have a family I belonged to long before you, belong is the wrong word I know, I've never belonged here.

I've kept secrets for you, I've helped when you've had nowhere to turn, offered a place to sleep when you've had nowhere to stay. Still I'm the bad one.

I don't know what to do anymore to have your acceptance, I've never done a thing wrong. There are 2 sides to every story, the amount of abusive phone calls, messages and comments I have recieved is beyond ridiculous. The majority of these come from people jumping to conclusions or not knowing the full story.

I am done trying. I feel sad that my children miss out on aunties and uncles and cousins because of this. I cannot try any harder. Each and every time I do I end up hurt, an argument ends up taking place, people get put in the middle. Just because I am looking for things for a sister in law doesn't mean it's about any of you. My biological sisters husband has a sister and it was in fact about her but nobody took the time to ask before assumptions were made and shots fired in my direction.

So now I have had my say and you'll probably all laugh and talk behind my back as per usual, I will move on with my life. I hoped that one day everybody could come together as a family but it is a two way street, I am exhausted from trying.
From Nicole

Who you were back then

As most of you know i am a part of a truly fabulous group on facebook called "life after the gamble" it's all about addiction and mental health.
Through that group I have met many inspirational people and only a few days ago came across a man who I believe has now written 3 books, I won't name him without permission though.
He posed a question to a few people about what is their story,  what led them to addiction? In this case mostly gambling and why do they want to change this.
So it got me thinking.

For me addiction was a get away,  an escape from reality to begin with. Then it just became life, a way to function, a way to be able to get up and breathe the next day.
While I have battled and I'd like to say won some of my addictions for example heroin, I keep replacing one addiction with another which doesn't help.
So the reason I drink is the same as the original reason for developing a drug habit.
Why do I want to change this?
I want to be a better mother, have more money, less worries and most of all I actually want to deal with the things that have been hiding since childhood,  the things I have masked with addiction.

My own therapy

So my mental health team has fallen apart with my worker needing to resign and not being replaced. So if I go a little coo coo ca choo for a while it's just me trying to handle things and the difference.

I'm going to be trying out a heap of things as therapy. Mainly craft and cooking because I love to create things and I love to eat!

At this stage (whilst I think entering hypomania so have a million ideas) I want to sew again, learn to knit and crochet (I've already started a pair of booties!), I love candles so want to learn to make my own as well as soaps. Lots of different things maybe even painting again.

As for the food it will for the most part be healthy fitting in with my desire to lose weight though with these meds I may as well just swim around in bacon fat all day. Experimenting with things to replace soy and dairy since my twins can't have it.
Then sometimes there will be chocolate smothered heaven for some mama indulgence.

So watch this space!

Putting The Past To Bed

My past - so many shades of fucked up. No that is NOT a reference to THAT movie.
Experiencing more than you're average person yet still fighting to blend in with the crowd.
Can it be done?
Firstly I think I need to accept that the past is the past, it made me who I am today but doesn't define me. Things happen for a reason and I have learnt from them.
So I'm just going to get it all out and "cleanse" myself of the past, move forward.

What are the things in my past that I feel have had a negative effect?
Being a heroin addict, prostitution, rape, abuse of all kinds, my son passing away, delivering my stillborn daughter, my miscarriages, the lies, the deceit. The list does go on.

I've beaten a lot of these things but not overcome them. I haven't used heroin in a long time, I haven't been paid for sex in 8 years, I left my abusive ex and started a new life. The loss of my children led me to my work in helping other families through loss.

So why some days do I feel a pull to go back? Simple, once an addict, always an addict. Actively using or not I think it would be a lie to say that there are not days I would go back without hesitation.
Why? I don't know, in these moments my head forgets the hunger, the fear, the desperate need, the feelings of hurt and withdrawls. In my dark times I just think it would be an easy escape to go back to not caring about anything but making enough money for a hit.

In reality I have come so far since then. I have an education, 4 beautiful (although sometimes torturous) children. I own my own business, I am a committee member for a large charity organization, I am the Australian representative for a huge event coming to Australia (more on that later it doesn't feel right putting it in this post), I don't have savings but I'm not desperate for money anymore, my rent is paid, my bills are paid there is always food on the table, we are clothed and warm. So really to go back to that lifestyle would be throwing so, so much away.

So what am I going to do? Well I love to create things, I love to sew and paint. I love to make things from paper whether it be cards or scrapbooking. I love metal work and jewellery making. I am teaching myself to knit and crochet (thank you YouTube) I am going to use my love of craft and creating as an outlet, when I am feeling weak or even manic to keep myself busy in a productive way. Who knows I could even make some spending money from it.

I am no longer going to be ashamed of my past, I am not going to shout it from the rooftops loud and proud either but acknowledge that the path led me somewhere, taught me something. Made me who I am today and one great lady in my life at the moment tells me that's not a bad thing who I am.
The only thing that I cannot move on from so easily is the rape, it was 13 years ago on May 13th 2002. For the most part I am good with it now, except I cannot go out alone in the dark, certain smells are a trigger particularly men's cologne, the nightmares and flashbacks that reoccur. Now I have discovered my neighbour has the same name and the person who did it to me was a neighbour so that has triggered me a lot lately. But one step at a time and one day I will deal with it a lot better, I know I will.