The Bucket List of 2015

Inspired by culinary king, Mr Jamie Oliver I am doing a bucket list. It is a task on his You-app. I seriously love this guy, he is amazing and Jules is one extremely lucky lady to have snagged this Essex wonder. So here it is the bucket list for 2015. 1. Complete my midwifery of thanatology course 2. Post weekly to my blogs 3. Fit comfortably in a size 10 again 4. Have a working car again 5. Recreate 15 of my favourite English dishes to fit our dietary requirements 6. Do something that makes a difference to somebodies life 7. Do 5 pay it forward things from Willow's Touch 8. Do a Kaszazz workshop 9. Have a romantic night away with my husband 10. Save up $300 This is a list of things I WILL achieve by December 31, 2015.

Dear Miss C

Dear Miss C, I want to apologize firstly, I am sorry I am such a bad mum, I am sorry I depend on you so much to help me do things. I do get angry a lot because I ask for simple things and they get ignored like putting the toys away your were playing with and a week later I am still looking at them. I wrote job lists up for everyone to try and make things easier but nobody follows them and wonders why I am yelling that the house is such a mess. 6 people live here, it should not be just me that cleans. Yes I know you are just a child but a child must learn responsibilities and learn that there are things in life we must do that we do not enjoy. Dad hates being away from us working all the time but he does it for us, if we can all work as a team inside the house by getting things done we will have more time for movies and playing and doing crafts together. Things won't be as rushed and you will never have lost uniform and the mad Sunday rush to get ready for school. We have spoken about this many, many times so I thought it I write it all down when you're sad that I've got angry and been mean then you can read this to remind yourself why I get angry and also to remind yourself that no matter what I say I DO love you and ALWAYS will. I want to be a happy family, I want to be able to play monopoly and things without having to have to clean the table first, I want it so that things are already done, we can just play, wouldn't you like that too? I'm not saying in all of this that you don't help because you do, you are a big help and I don't know what I'd do without you but I just want us to come together and start working as a team, not against each other. I've bought you (all you kids) a book, it's called my happy sad mummy. Remember when I told you that I am sick but not a sickness you can see? I have what is called bipolar and borderline personality disorder and it is something wrong in my brain that makes me the way that I am, I do not like it and am trying to get it so I can manage it and feel better but it takes time and lots and lots of help from those around me. I love you little miss chicken legs, never ever forget that, even when I am angry and say things I do not mean, I love you more than words can describe. Love from mummy xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear Husband

Dear Husband, We have been through so, so much together. Joy, sadness, difficult times, amazing times. We have gained children, we have lost children. Together we have been through almost everything imaginable, although we have our rough times and they seem to take over the good times at the moment we are still here, still fighting together. I love you with all my heart, I know it hurts you when I say I want you to leave, it hurts me too - more than you'll ever know. I never asked to be diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It is scary, it is confusing, it has turned me into somebody I hate. I don't want to be a horrible wife or a horrible mother but it has warped me that way and I promise you I am going to do everything in my power to change that. I want to be able to show you all love not just hate, I don't want to be constantly yelling and feeling angry. The more angry I get, the more I hate myself, then that makes me angrier and we go around in a vicious circle. I am very, very grateful for everything (well most things!) that you do. You've spent hours and we have spent so much money trying to fix the car, you work hard to provide for us. We may not have much to show for it, we still rent, our furniture is crap and our house looks like shit but you work hard for us, you sacrifice spending time with us to be out on the road for days at a time for us. We love you for it. I love that look you get on your face when your eyes sparkle and you get those cute little dimples, I want to go back to the days where we would put the kids to bed and sit and spend time together, not just in the same room with you on the iPad and me on my phone but genuinely together, lying close to each other on the couch watching a movie or tv show. Even just working together like we used to like one washes one dries or one does the dishes while the other does the laundry, I miss being a part of your team instead it feels like we are opponents working against each other, can we change that please? I want to be on your team. Forever and Always Your awesome wife xoxo

Dear inlaws

Dear inlaws,
I have done nothing but love your son/brother through more than our fair share of thick and thin.
We have dealt with addiction, violence, him losing job after job, spending our savings on drugs, losing his license multiple times. We have lost 9 pregnancies together, had premature babies, had diagnosis of autism, allergies, asthma, dyslexia and anxiety in our children. I've been diagnosed with a handful of things too. We have had our fair share of rough. But I have been there, he has been there. We have done it together. Yet you still won't give me the time of day.
I have tried and tried to get the family to accept me. I have tried so hard to get you to like me. I have given family members food when they've had none, money, jobs even. None of it appreciated.
I have had my words twisted, false accusations and even my kids told what a horrible person I am.
Somebody sees a Facebook post mentioning family it's spread around like wildfire that it's about one of you. I do have a family I belonged to long before you, belong is the wrong word I know, I've never belonged here.

I've kept secrets for you, I've helped when you've had nowhere to turn, offered a place to sleep when you've had nowhere to stay. Still I'm the bad one.

I don't know what to do anymore to have your acceptance, I've never done a thing wrong. There are 2 sides to every story, the amount of abusive phone calls, messages and comments I have recieved is beyond ridiculous. The majority of these come from people jumping to conclusions or not knowing the full story.

I am done trying. I feel sad that my children miss out on aunties and uncles and cousins because of this. I cannot try any harder. Each and every time I do I end up hurt, an argument ends up taking place, people get put in the middle. Just because I am looking for things for a sister in law doesn't mean it's about any of you. My biological sisters husband has a sister and it was in fact about her but nobody took the time to ask before assumptions were made and shots fired in my direction.

So now I have had my say and you'll probably all laugh and talk behind my back as per usual, I will move on with my life. I hoped that one day everybody could come together as a family but it is a two way street, I am exhausted from trying.
From Nicole

Who you were back then

As most of you know i am a part of a truly fabulous group on facebook called "life after the gamble" it's all about addiction and mental health.
Through that group I have met many inspirational people and only a few days ago came across a man who I believe has now written 3 books, I won't name him without permission though.
He posed a question to a few people about what is their story,  what led them to addiction? In this case mostly gambling and why do they want to change this.
So it got me thinking.

For me addiction was a get away,  an escape from reality to begin with. Then it just became life, a way to function, a way to be able to get up and breathe the next day.
While I have battled and I'd like to say won some of my addictions for example heroin, I keep replacing one addiction with another which doesn't help.
So the reason I drink is the same as the original reason for developing a drug habit.
Why do I want to change this?
I want to be a better mother, have more money, less worries and most of all I actually want to deal with the things that have been hiding since childhood,  the things I have masked with addiction.

My own therapy

So my mental health team has fallen apart with my worker needing to resign and not being replaced. So if I go a little coo coo ca choo for a while it's just me trying to handle things and the difference.

I'm going to be trying out a heap of things as therapy. Mainly craft and cooking because I love to create things and I love to eat!

At this stage (whilst I think entering hypomania so have a million ideas) I want to sew again, learn to knit and crochet (I've already started a pair of booties!), I love candles so want to learn to make my own as well as soaps. Lots of different things maybe even painting again.

As for the food it will for the most part be healthy fitting in with my desire to lose weight though with these meds I may as well just swim around in bacon fat all day. Experimenting with things to replace soy and dairy since my twins can't have it.
Then sometimes there will be chocolate smothered heaven for some mama indulgence.

So watch this space!

Putting The Past To Bed

My past - so many shades of fucked up. No that is NOT a reference to THAT movie.
Experiencing more than you're average person yet still fighting to blend in with the crowd.
Can it be done?
Firstly I think I need to accept that the past is the past, it made me who I am today but doesn't define me. Things happen for a reason and I have learnt from them.
So I'm just going to get it all out and "cleanse" myself of the past, move forward.

What are the things in my past that I feel have had a negative effect?
Being a heroin addict, prostitution, rape, abuse of all kinds, my son passing away, delivering my stillborn daughter, my miscarriages, the lies, the deceit. The list does go on.

I've beaten a lot of these things but not overcome them. I haven't used heroin in a long time, I haven't been paid for sex in 8 years, I left my abusive ex and started a new life. The loss of my children led me to my work in helping other families through loss.

So why some days do I feel a pull to go back? Simple, once an addict, always an addict. Actively using or not I think it would be a lie to say that there are not days I would go back without hesitation.
Why? I don't know, in these moments my head forgets the hunger, the fear, the desperate need, the feelings of hurt and withdrawls. In my dark times I just think it would be an easy escape to go back to not caring about anything but making enough money for a hit.

In reality I have come so far since then. I have an education, 4 beautiful (although sometimes torturous) children. I own my own business, I am a committee member for a large charity organization, I am the Australian representative for a huge event coming to Australia (more on that later it doesn't feel right putting it in this post), I don't have savings but I'm not desperate for money anymore, my rent is paid, my bills are paid there is always food on the table, we are clothed and warm. So really to go back to that lifestyle would be throwing so, so much away.

So what am I going to do? Well I love to create things, I love to sew and paint. I love to make things from paper whether it be cards or scrapbooking. I love metal work and jewellery making. I am teaching myself to knit and crochet (thank you YouTube) I am going to use my love of craft and creating as an outlet, when I am feeling weak or even manic to keep myself busy in a productive way. Who knows I could even make some spending money from it.

I am no longer going to be ashamed of my past, I am not going to shout it from the rooftops loud and proud either but acknowledge that the path led me somewhere, taught me something. Made me who I am today and one great lady in my life at the moment tells me that's not a bad thing who I am.
The only thing that I cannot move on from so easily is the rape, it was 13 years ago on May 13th 2002. For the most part I am good with it now, except I cannot go out alone in the dark, certain smells are a trigger particularly men's cologne, the nightmares and flashbacks that reoccur. Now I have discovered my neighbour has the same name and the person who did it to me was a neighbour so that has triggered me a lot lately. But one step at a time and one day I will deal with it a lot better, I know I will.