I am lacking so much motivation right now and have so much going on.
My son was recently in hospital, only overnight thankfully but his asthma was so bad we needed to call an ambulance, this triggered everything from when their lungs collapsed at 9 weeks old.
I am still trying to piece myself back together.
My therapist/shrink who thankfully does housecalls dropped by earlier in the week and brought over someone I don't know and a male at that. She knows my history, knows my story and brings a strange man into my house, I am upset, I want to stop all therapy and go back to my hole. Do I learn to be strong or do I run away? I don't know.
Eating habits and exercise have gone to shit lately. Poor time management, poor head space, poor budget. I vow to get back on track!
It feels lately that the more I try to get my life on track the more it is spinning out of control, maybe I am on the wrong path, maybe I need to step back and re-evaluate.
Recently I was put on medication for my bipolar and I am even finding that hard, being "normal" not having as many mood changes is confusing for me as it is what I am used to, all I seem to do now is cry. I don't really have any manic episodes now so my motivation has gone with that, no more dancing around carefree cleaning every little nook of my house. My house - thats a whole new vent!
I've started writing a book about my experiences with loss, my anxiety is playing with me over that, will anyone read it, will it even be published? Will I finish it? I am hoping it acts as a healing aid for me and others, my work as a bereavement doula is certainly doing that, I haven't yet supported a family through loss because I haven't put myself out there, I'm not sure I am strong enough yet and want to be, no, need to be strong enough for the family I will be supporting, it isn't fair otherwise.
I am worried about a friend of mine, I know she reads this and really hope she doesn't mind me mentioning her here, I won't go into detail because I haven't asked her permission and it isn't my story to share but she faced a hard time and addiction took hold, something I am familiar with, now she faces a legal battle. Court is coming up and I am hoping and praying her judge sees the good she has done for so many people and how she has conquered her addiction and come out such a better, stronger person. If any of you have or have had an addiction problem I highly recommend her group on facebook it has been a true god send for me during hard time, the group is called life after the gamble ... if you read this, I am constantly hoping for the best outcome for you, you are my inspiration!
Tomorrow lunch time school holidays start, 9 weeks of the girls being home! I am going to embrace daycare days when I only have them and not the twins and have girly days and do things with them as I know the twins take so much attention away from them. I will need to start thinking of some ideas!
I better go now, I have to drop the girls off for their junior school dance!
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