The Bucket List of 2015

Inspired by culinary king, Mr Jamie Oliver I am doing a bucket list. It is a task on his You-app. I seriously love this guy, he is amazing and Jules is one extremely lucky lady to have snagged this Essex wonder. So here it is the bucket list for 2015. 1. Complete my midwifery of thanatology course 2. Post weekly to my blogs 3. Fit comfortably in a size 10 again 4. Have a working car again 5. Recreate 15 of my favourite English dishes to fit our dietary requirements 6. Do something that makes a difference to somebodies life 7. Do 5 pay it forward things from Willow's Touch 8. Do a Kaszazz workshop 9. Have a romantic night away with my husband 10. Save up $300 This is a list of things I WILL achieve by December 31, 2015.

Dear Miss C

Dear Miss C, I want to apologize firstly, I am sorry I am such a bad mum, I am sorry I depend on you so much to help me do things. I do get angry a lot because I ask for simple things and they get ignored like putting the toys away your were playing with and a week later I am still looking at them. I wrote job lists up for everyone to try and make things easier but nobody follows them and wonders why I am yelling that the house is such a mess. 6 people live here, it should not be just me that cleans. Yes I know you are just a child but a child must learn responsibilities and learn that there are things in life we must do that we do not enjoy. Dad hates being away from us working all the time but he does it for us, if we can all work as a team inside the house by getting things done we will have more time for movies and playing and doing crafts together. Things won't be as rushed and you will never have lost uniform and the mad Sunday rush to get ready for school. We have spoken about this many, many times so I thought it I write it all down when you're sad that I've got angry and been mean then you can read this to remind yourself why I get angry and also to remind yourself that no matter what I say I DO love you and ALWAYS will. I want to be a happy family, I want to be able to play monopoly and things without having to have to clean the table first, I want it so that things are already done, we can just play, wouldn't you like that too? I'm not saying in all of this that you don't help because you do, you are a big help and I don't know what I'd do without you but I just want us to come together and start working as a team, not against each other. I've bought you (all you kids) a book, it's called my happy sad mummy. Remember when I told you that I am sick but not a sickness you can see? I have what is called bipolar and borderline personality disorder and it is something wrong in my brain that makes me the way that I am, I do not like it and am trying to get it so I can manage it and feel better but it takes time and lots and lots of help from those around me. I love you little miss chicken legs, never ever forget that, even when I am angry and say things I do not mean, I love you more than words can describe. Love from mummy xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear Husband

Dear Husband, We have been through so, so much together. Joy, sadness, difficult times, amazing times. We have gained children, we have lost children. Together we have been through almost everything imaginable, although we have our rough times and they seem to take over the good times at the moment we are still here, still fighting together. I love you with all my heart, I know it hurts you when I say I want you to leave, it hurts me too - more than you'll ever know. I never asked to be diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It is scary, it is confusing, it has turned me into somebody I hate. I don't want to be a horrible wife or a horrible mother but it has warped me that way and I promise you I am going to do everything in my power to change that. I want to be able to show you all love not just hate, I don't want to be constantly yelling and feeling angry. The more angry I get, the more I hate myself, then that makes me angrier and we go around in a vicious circle. I am very, very grateful for everything (well most things!) that you do. You've spent hours and we have spent so much money trying to fix the car, you work hard to provide for us. We may not have much to show for it, we still rent, our furniture is crap and our house looks like shit but you work hard for us, you sacrifice spending time with us to be out on the road for days at a time for us. We love you for it. I love that look you get on your face when your eyes sparkle and you get those cute little dimples, I want to go back to the days where we would put the kids to bed and sit and spend time together, not just in the same room with you on the iPad and me on my phone but genuinely together, lying close to each other on the couch watching a movie or tv show. Even just working together like we used to like one washes one dries or one does the dishes while the other does the laundry, I miss being a part of your team instead it feels like we are opponents working against each other, can we change that please? I want to be on your team. Forever and Always Your awesome wife xoxo

Dear inlaws

Dear inlaws,
I have done nothing but love your son/brother through more than our fair share of thick and thin.
We have dealt with addiction, violence, him losing job after job, spending our savings on drugs, losing his license multiple times. We have lost 9 pregnancies together, had premature babies, had diagnosis of autism, allergies, asthma, dyslexia and anxiety in our children. I've been diagnosed with a handful of things too. We have had our fair share of rough. But I have been there, he has been there. We have done it together. Yet you still won't give me the time of day.
I have tried and tried to get the family to accept me. I have tried so hard to get you to like me. I have given family members food when they've had none, money, jobs even. None of it appreciated.
I have had my words twisted, false accusations and even my kids told what a horrible person I am.
Somebody sees a Facebook post mentioning family it's spread around like wildfire that it's about one of you. I do have a family I belonged to long before you, belong is the wrong word I know, I've never belonged here.

I've kept secrets for you, I've helped when you've had nowhere to turn, offered a place to sleep when you've had nowhere to stay. Still I'm the bad one.

I don't know what to do anymore to have your acceptance, I've never done a thing wrong. There are 2 sides to every story, the amount of abusive phone calls, messages and comments I have recieved is beyond ridiculous. The majority of these come from people jumping to conclusions or not knowing the full story.

I am done trying. I feel sad that my children miss out on aunties and uncles and cousins because of this. I cannot try any harder. Each and every time I do I end up hurt, an argument ends up taking place, people get put in the middle. Just because I am looking for things for a sister in law doesn't mean it's about any of you. My biological sisters husband has a sister and it was in fact about her but nobody took the time to ask before assumptions were made and shots fired in my direction.

So now I have had my say and you'll probably all laugh and talk behind my back as per usual, I will move on with my life. I hoped that one day everybody could come together as a family but it is a two way street, I am exhausted from trying.
From Nicole

Who you were back then

As most of you know i am a part of a truly fabulous group on facebook called "life after the gamble" it's all about addiction and mental health.
Through that group I have met many inspirational people and only a few days ago came across a man who I believe has now written 3 books, I won't name him without permission though.
He posed a question to a few people about what is their story,  what led them to addiction? In this case mostly gambling and why do they want to change this.
So it got me thinking.

For me addiction was a get away,  an escape from reality to begin with. Then it just became life, a way to function, a way to be able to get up and breathe the next day.
While I have battled and I'd like to say won some of my addictions for example heroin, I keep replacing one addiction with another which doesn't help.
So the reason I drink is the same as the original reason for developing a drug habit.
Why do I want to change this?
I want to be a better mother, have more money, less worries and most of all I actually want to deal with the things that have been hiding since childhood,  the things I have masked with addiction.

My own therapy

So my mental health team has fallen apart with my worker needing to resign and not being replaced. So if I go a little coo coo ca choo for a while it's just me trying to handle things and the difference.

I'm going to be trying out a heap of things as therapy. Mainly craft and cooking because I love to create things and I love to eat!

At this stage (whilst I think entering hypomania so have a million ideas) I want to sew again, learn to knit and crochet (I've already started a pair of booties!), I love candles so want to learn to make my own as well as soaps. Lots of different things maybe even painting again.

As for the food it will for the most part be healthy fitting in with my desire to lose weight though with these meds I may as well just swim around in bacon fat all day. Experimenting with things to replace soy and dairy since my twins can't have it.
Then sometimes there will be chocolate smothered heaven for some mama indulgence.

So watch this space!

Putting The Past To Bed

My past - so many shades of fucked up. No that is NOT a reference to THAT movie.
Experiencing more than you're average person yet still fighting to blend in with the crowd.
Can it be done?
Firstly I think I need to accept that the past is the past, it made me who I am today but doesn't define me. Things happen for a reason and I have learnt from them.
So I'm just going to get it all out and "cleanse" myself of the past, move forward.

What are the things in my past that I feel have had a negative effect?
Being a heroin addict, prostitution, rape, abuse of all kinds, my son passing away, delivering my stillborn daughter, my miscarriages, the lies, the deceit. The list does go on.

I've beaten a lot of these things but not overcome them. I haven't used heroin in a long time, I haven't been paid for sex in 8 years, I left my abusive ex and started a new life. The loss of my children led me to my work in helping other families through loss.

So why some days do I feel a pull to go back? Simple, once an addict, always an addict. Actively using or not I think it would be a lie to say that there are not days I would go back without hesitation.
Why? I don't know, in these moments my head forgets the hunger, the fear, the desperate need, the feelings of hurt and withdrawls. In my dark times I just think it would be an easy escape to go back to not caring about anything but making enough money for a hit.

In reality I have come so far since then. I have an education, 4 beautiful (although sometimes torturous) children. I own my own business, I am a committee member for a large charity organization, I am the Australian representative for a huge event coming to Australia (more on that later it doesn't feel right putting it in this post), I don't have savings but I'm not desperate for money anymore, my rent is paid, my bills are paid there is always food on the table, we are clothed and warm. So really to go back to that lifestyle would be throwing so, so much away.

So what am I going to do? Well I love to create things, I love to sew and paint. I love to make things from paper whether it be cards or scrapbooking. I love metal work and jewellery making. I am teaching myself to knit and crochet (thank you YouTube) I am going to use my love of craft and creating as an outlet, when I am feeling weak or even manic to keep myself busy in a productive way. Who knows I could even make some spending money from it.

I am no longer going to be ashamed of my past, I am not going to shout it from the rooftops loud and proud either but acknowledge that the path led me somewhere, taught me something. Made me who I am today and one great lady in my life at the moment tells me that's not a bad thing who I am.
The only thing that I cannot move on from so easily is the rape, it was 13 years ago on May 13th 2002. For the most part I am good with it now, except I cannot go out alone in the dark, certain smells are a trigger particularly men's cologne, the nightmares and flashbacks that reoccur. Now I have discovered my neighbour has the same name and the person who did it to me was a neighbour so that has triggered me a lot lately. But one step at a time and one day I will deal with it a lot better, I know I will.

Marriage ... til death do us part.

Recently my husband and I seperated. I went through a week of feeling sorry for myself. My medication got increased, my therapy sessions got increased and you know what I learnt?
It wasn't all his fault!
I blamed him, he barely lifts a finger around the house, can have a short fuse, gets frustrated and petty things,  is hard to live with being so old fashioned (very anti Internet)
But as I got talking, cry (mainly crying) and venting I had one of those light bulb moments. My medication really hasn't been helping me at all. My bipolar and borderline personality disorder are still way out of control. This was the main reason he left. Not to be an ass about it I realise now but he hated what he was seeing and we both needed time to reflect.

Anyway it's been about 3 weeks since that happened. Last night he stayed the night. We talked and talked. I realised I love him more than I can describe. He's not perfect,  he can be an ass, he is a little controlling but he is a good guy.
I'll cop a lot of abuse from friends and family over the decision to try and save my marriage and provide a family for my children. Everybody only sees the bad, they don't notice the nights he sits up rubbing someone's sore head or the food he puts on the table.

It's not going to be perfect, name one relationship that is?
We BOTH need to change and work on things,  most of all we have lost how to communicate with each other respectfully, we are both in the wrong for this.

We made a vow and I want to honor that.

The pull

II've been a heroin addict for 13 years now, I class myself as being an addict still because I don't believe you're ever "cured" you can be recovered for 40 years but people still relapse, that struggle always exists. 

At times it's barely there, other times it is everywhere you go. For me it's everywhere I go at the moment, every turn, every breath.

It's been 9 months since my last relapse. I've had more cravings in this last 9 months as I drag up my past than I have in years. 

I'd give a lot to just go get loaded right now, numb the pain, the glow, the relaxation. 

I know that rush never lasts long, the more you use to try and get it back the worse it is, yet you always wait for it despite the fact it's not coming.

I'm not sure what has triggered this. I have phases like this but not so intense. I can honestly say the only reason I'm not loaded right now is because my car isn't working, I'd walk but it's dark outside and the kids are asleep, it is taking a lot of strength to stay still though and it's exhausting.

I wake up thinking the only thing that is going to get me through that day is a hit. I'm agitated. I'm twitchy. All my head thinks about is how, where, why? I'm glad for now it's still thinking why.

I can't afford to be an addict, I don't want to be an addict. 

I need distractions, I wish this would go away. Need sleep, hopefully tomorrow is easier.

The guilty mirror

Okay so I know a mirror can't really be guilty more just the image looking back at me, deep within my soul, pouring out, crying even screaming to be heard.

I can't even say that image is me. The person staring back is unrecognisable to me. Everything I always said I would never become. Full of hatred and fear. Full of anger and hurt. A demon, so vile it destroys everthing in its path, no matter what or who that is. There is no colour, just black and white and even then more black than white.

The person, can it even be described as a person I think not, the thing in the mirror, it doesn't deserve children. They need more. They need to not live in fear of this thing, the thing lashes out all the time, it is hurtful, the names it calls people are horrible, it doesn't care, it doesn't stop.
It pushes, it shoves, it puts you down until you can't sink any further. Children don't need that, it doesn't just do it to them though, it does it to the body it has taken over, consumed the soul so there is nothing left just a hollow shell.

You can't even hide from the thing when it's inside you, everyday you vow that you won't let it win, you're stronger than that but it always wins.

Hiding in the bedroom letting children run the house (which now looks like a rather large tornado hit it)  just so the thing cannot get to them, living in fear everyday, crying because the guilt just overflows.

If you haven't guessed it yet this is how I am feeling right about now, I can't even call my mental health team at the hospital because my phone is flat and I don't know where the charger is and I don't want to go find it in fear of exploding. If only I could fall asleep and never wake up, I know I am not that lucky though. Maybe I should move out on my own away from everyone just run as far as I can to protect them.

A beautiful lie

Love - does it really exist? I mean I know it does but the fairytale we hear about, grow up longing for does that exist?
Is there such thing as a fairytale marriage? Two people being so consumed by each others love they understand each other completely, adore each other, shower each other in gifts ... You get the picture. I've always hoped and longed for it but have given up on it.

I have come close to feeling that way though. Not with my husband, not with anyone I was actually ever in a romantic relationship with either. I've felt that way with clients. In a past life (my drug addiction days) I worked as a prostitute. At first on the streets, that was a little scary and painful and not something pleasant at all, always getting ripped off by men, dropped off often places I didn't know, most of them were rough and treat you like shit. After id been on the street for a while I got a job offer at a safer location. A brothel which I won't name but it was/is in Melbourne. It was completely different there.

At first the girls didn't like me. Before long I didn't like any newcomer either, they were competition, they could potentially take any income i was making that night.
The men were different, most had money, nice lawyers, businessmen - the higher class I guess you'd say. They acted like gentlemen too - for the most part anyway there was always a couple that took things too far or got too physical.
You felt amazing lining up waiting for the client to pick his girl, when he picked you it was amazing, he wanted you, he wanted to pay for you.
Once you gained regulars they'd give you gifts, expensive jewellery, lines of speed, designer lingerie I can't deny it was good! I had never felt so wanted. Deep down I know they didn't want me as a person they were ultimately there for the sex.

I never kept the gifts I sold them all (except one necklace I still have) to use for drug money on slow nights, all my pay went on drugs too except for about $20 for food and smokes.
Lately life has become lonely. I've realized all my friends are online and they are great friends, the very best in fact but they aren't physically there, you can't hug them, cry on their shoulder, laugh with them, go for a meal. Things with my husband are cold at the moment. I'm trying but it feels like I'll never be appreciated. He never seems happy. I know a lot of that is down to my behavior with my borderline personality disorder but if he would just take the time to learn about it he would know why I say what I do, react the way I do.

The old world is becoming so tempting. To feel wanted, needed, showered with gifts. Was that the fairytale? Surely the fairytale doesn't really lie within a brothel.
I said before they were only there for the sex I lie. There was one client let's call him (now I have to think of a name haha) Dave. Well Dave and I never once had sex of any kind. I never ever saw him naked even. He paid to just come and talk. He suffered from anxiety and depression and was too scared to go into the "real world" and date so he used to come and "date me" he would bring food, we would light candles, he would massage me, lying there he would stroke my face and play with my hair and tell me how beautiful I was. He made me feel, well I can't even describe it, he made my life worth living. I looked forward to his visits. He wasn't my type at all but he was special. He was 35-40 years older than me, balding and grey but gentle, sophisticated and one of a kind. I didn't love him, I know that but he did open a new door for me. One that made me know what I want to feel from a partner. I used to feel that way about my husband, he treated me amazingly over the years that's changed. Does it just go away when you've been together for almost 10 years?

I miss dressing up, I miss being made to feel special. There are parts I don't miss of course but parts I really do.