The guilty mirror

Okay so I know a mirror can't really be guilty more just the image looking back at me, deep within my soul, pouring out, crying even screaming to be heard.

I can't even say that image is me. The person staring back is unrecognisable to me. Everything I always said I would never become. Full of hatred and fear. Full of anger and hurt. A demon, so vile it destroys everthing in its path, no matter what or who that is. There is no colour, just black and white and even then more black than white.

The person, can it even be described as a person I think not, the thing in the mirror, it doesn't deserve children. They need more. They need to not live in fear of this thing, the thing lashes out all the time, it is hurtful, the names it calls people are horrible, it doesn't care, it doesn't stop.
It pushes, it shoves, it puts you down until you can't sink any further. Children don't need that, it doesn't just do it to them though, it does it to the body it has taken over, consumed the soul so there is nothing left just a hollow shell.

You can't even hide from the thing when it's inside you, everyday you vow that you won't let it win, you're stronger than that but it always wins.

Hiding in the bedroom letting children run the house (which now looks like a rather large tornado hit it)  just so the thing cannot get to them, living in fear everyday, crying because the guilt just overflows.

If you haven't guessed it yet this is how I am feeling right about now, I can't even call my mental health team at the hospital because my phone is flat and I don't know where the charger is and I don't want to go find it in fear of exploding. If only I could fall asleep and never wake up, I know I am not that lucky though. Maybe I should move out on my own away from everyone just run as far as I can to protect them.

A week as the monster

The monster is what I now call myself during my depressive states. I have become a monster. I don't even recognise myself anymore.
Yesterday morning I smashed a window in a rage, I didn't mean to break it but I kicked something in the lounge room and it hit the window.
I self harmed for the first time in a long time last night and now everything that touches my arm makes it burn.

I don't even know what has made me like this, everyday I am yelling, putting down those I love, being down right mean to them, degrading them. I am everything I always avoided, everything I ran away from. I am abusive to my family and I want it to stop now.

I cannot keep doing it to them, I do not want my children to end up as screwed up as I am, I want to fix me so I don't break them.

I already get professional help and currently not medicated, we are working towards that with the people I see at the psychiatric hospital. I need ways of stopping myself in that moment, how do I do that when I don't see the moment until it's too late, until I am too angry to stop and it just keeps coming and coming.

I don't even get a little ticked off these days I go from fine to an absolute rage in a second, I don't see it coming and I don't know how to stop it.
I have tried walks, going out for a while when I am angry if hubby is home to watch the kids and it doesn't work for me. I am thinking of doing yoga and meditation.

All I know right now is I hate who I have become, I am an empty shell, I do not recognise myself anymore, I do not want to be this person/thing I have become. I want to be happy, I want to love my kids, I want my kids to love me, I want to laugh, I want to be able to hug my family without feeling sick and repulsed, I want to feel warm and fuzzy again, I want to smile - a real smile not a forced one, I want to laugh so hard I cry, so much it hurts your chest. I want to feel light again not heavy.
I will be me again, I will!

Brighter Days

A massive leap forward, something I have been brave enough to admit. I need help. It has taken a lot of arguments with myself and others, a lot of behaviour I am far from proud of, a lot of confusion to come to this decision, I must go to the doctors and go on medication for my bi-polar, it is destroying me and my family without it. Medication doesn't mean I am weak, it doesn't mean I am broken or pathetic, it means I am strong enough to admit I can't do this alone, I have tried for so long.

On top of the medications I will be trying other things too that I have learnt help bi-polar, I don't know if any of these actually work but it can't hurt to try.
- Omega 3 & Folate supplements (or foods richer in these)
- Regular exercise to boost those happy hormones
- Lepidolite - a crystal containing natural lithium which is a common medication for bi-polar
This is all I have at the moment but as I learn I will add more. So whilst this may not be a long or glamorous post it is an important one.

A rainbow in the storm

I always wanted to have 3 children, I looked at people with a whole tribe and thought they were insane and/or stupid. I dreamed of giving my kids everything they ever wanted living a luxurious life like you see in the magazines, a pool out the back, a fancy car, expensive holidays, nice big house with expensive furniture.

What have I got? 6 children (2 are in heaven, 4 are here on earth), a small rented 3 bedroom house, mostly second hand furniture, a car that fits us all in and gets us from a to b (just!), no holidays, no pool and a disaster zone for a house, certainly not magazine worthy more like embarrassed to have guests over!

Lately my depression has spiralled and spiralled fast and hard, I've turned into a monster, screaming at my kids all the time, pushing my husband away. Everyday I tell myself tomorrow will be better, I won't yell, I'll make them feel loved but I wake up and it's the same old thing. My kids will no doubt need therapy later in life to get over how horrible I am.

I never usually tell people how bad it is because I'm afraid, I know I'm mean, I know I say things I regret and really shouldn't, I know I snap without any warning signs that I can see, I regret every single thing I say and do, can I help it? No.

It sounds like a cop out I know, oh but I couldn't help it. I literally see no warning signs though no time to walk away and take a breather, I go from completely calm to snap instantly and I can tell you right now it is terrifying.

But what's more terrifying? The fact that we are expecting another baby!

We are approximately 8-9 weeks along, to be honest I really believe this baby is going to save me, help me become a better person. Yes we are going to be cramming 7 people into a 3 bedroom house, luckily our car has 8 seats, it will make money tighter but thankfully we cloth diaper, breastfeed, cosleep and babywear so don't need a lot for a baby just love which we have (or learning to have again).

So another baby may not be ideal but it is happening and I really, truly believe it is a blessing. Due to our losses we are keeping this hush from family for a little while until we have had ultrasounds to put our minds at ease.

Blinded by the spiral

The spiral of self destruction, hate and anger. I hate the lows of bi-polar, I feel like I am suffocating on my own life. My husband hates me, my kids are scared of me, is this the way I planned my life? Far from it, I wanted to be that perfect mum, the one you see on TV, the one who always has her shit together. Instead I never have my shit together.

To make matters a bit more complicated my husband also has mental health issues and is currently on a waiting list to see someone to help him, like me he gets angry. Two people both with mental health issues trying to raise a family, some days I just want to drop my kids of somewhere and walk away, not because I don't love them, the very opposite. I love them so much I don't want them to hurt anymore, don't want them to see the lows, be on the receiving end of the monster that is me. I don't want them to hate me.

When I'm angry, I scare myself, I don't see triggers, I don't see any warning that it's coming, just bang here's the monster. It gives me horrendous stomach aches, headaches, I'm left feeling dizzy, numb and empty. I never used to be like this and I hate that I have become this.

So what is the point you may ask in this post of self pity? The point is I want to change, I want to be happy, I want a stable family, one that doesn't walk on egg shells constantly.

How am I going to do this? I already see a therapist once every two weeks and whilst I feel better there it doesn't change anything when I get back home. I twist everything to be my husbands fault, like my hate against the world is because of him, deep down it's not and I thank him for staying with me when I would've walked away a long time ago. Back on track to this I am in combination with seeing my therapist going to change my life for the better through exercise and healthy eating. I'm actually quite disgusted with how I look, it could be a lot worse but it also can be a lot better. I weigh 57 kilos and that's the heaviest I have been (except during pregnancy), since my c-sections thanks to today's chop happy medical system I've always had a muffin top but not it's bad. I can lift my gut up and drop it back down. Before my twins I've always had a flat stomach, laughed about how I could eat anything and not gain weight, well now all those lollies, chips, fried food, chocolate and soft drinks are all having a big hard laugh at me.

I've always been very self conscious when it comes to my weight, I was 19 had met my husband and just moved in with him after leaving domestic violence, I was under weight, I weighed 43 kilos. My husband helped me start eating properly again (not so much properly it wasn't healthy food but it was food, I ate maybe 3-4 meals a week back then) as soon as I hit around 47 my own mother started saying I needed to exercise and walk more because I was fat.

This "project" for me isn't about weight loss though it's about becoming healthy, mind, body and spirit but I certainly won't complain when my body looks better! 

So what's the plan? Workout 4-5 times a week and eat 5 healthy meals a day (breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner) by eating these smaller but more regular meals I will feel fuller for longer and not feel the need to snack/binge.

This set of photos is very embarrassing but what is this journey without being able to document progress? Excuse the huge crack in my mirror and one of my twins who can sense a camera anywhere!