I am a survivor not a victim

I always thought until very recently I was a victim of domestic violence. I learnt not long ago I am not a victim, I am a survivor and since that light bulb moment I have felt stronger and ready to start moving on.

The things I experienced with my ex (my 9 year olds father) I would not wish upon anybody. Although I said earlier than I am ready to move on I have been having a lot flashbacks lately,8 years later. Being out of the relationship doesn't always make you free. I have lived in fear for so long and that is about to change. I have nothing to fear now.

My ex went as far as to attempt to kill my daughter and I, at this point I was too scared to tell police what really happened and he got numerous other domestic violence related charges and I wish now I hadn't have downplayed what he did. Do you know why I did it? It was out of fear, shame, embarrassment even guilt, guilt that I stayed that long to the point I could have lost my daughter.

One thing that really annoys me when it comes to domestic violence is how naive people can be. I heard so many times "why don't you just leave?" Or most commonly because I never really spoke up when I was in the relationship "why didn't you just leave?" When somebody controls you so much and you fear them that much you can't, you can't eat without being told you're allowed, can't listen to music if they don't want you to, shower when you're told. How are you meant to leave? The abuser knows this, control is their main weapon. I was not allowed anywhere by myself and if I was he had people follow me. 

As I said before domestic violence has long lasting effects on the person on the receiving ends. I may not have physical scars but I do have bones that were broken that get sore at night or in the cold, I do have a lump on my nose from where it was broken, I do have the lasting memories. Remembering being pulled aside at a neighbour's house to ask about the bruises around my neck, excuse after excuse to housing about another wall or door I "fell through" 

In my current relationship I am very defensive for example if my husband can't find his keys I instantly jump on the defense "I didn't touch them, it wasn't me" 

It is my time to stand back up. It is my time to be strong, be happy, live the life I deserve.

Domestic violence hasn't only effected me, my daughter has some long lasting effects too including severe anxiety and social disorders. 

The above picture is a tattoo I will be getting in the near future, the purple ribbon is the domestic violence awareness ribbon and I love butterflies. Thinking back now if it wasn't for a good friend of mine who is as good as a sister to me for calling the police one night when my ex was in a rage and police intercepting the car I really believe I would have died that night. 

I have to go do the school pick up now but may write more on this tonight.

A family of 6 living on $600 or less a month (foodwise)

 

When a lot of people find out how little we spend compared to others on food they automatically assume I a) don't feed my children, b) don't have a healthy or balanced diet or c) think I'm crazy

Now c maybe up for debate but I certainly do feed my children and we eat very healthily and a very balanced diet.

Here is the receipt from my latest shopping, this doesn't include fruit and vegetables either or toiletries because I forgot the toiletries and I shop at a separate fruit and vegetable store so add another $80 on there.

 

 

So lets call it $190 for arguments sake. This $190 now includes all groceries, meats, fruits and vegetables and toiletries :) This is to last us 2 weeks, to calculate that to a month you have $380.
So what do we eat for $380 a month?

Here is a fortnightly example, I double batch so you will only see a week. This way I just cook double and have a meal ready for next week. If it cannot be frozen I just simply make it again the next week, buying in bulk saves money!

Breakfasts consist of:
Slow cooked oats - I do mix it up a little with different variations like cherry and almond or banana and blueberry.
Eggs and vegemite soldiers
Smoothies
Yoghurt and fruit sprinkled with some oats although I Plan on making my own granola one day
Scrambled eggs with baby spinach, capsicum, garlic and tomato.
For quick and on the go I have these breakfast muffins handy.

Lunches are generally:
Scrambled eggs with baby spinach, capsicum, garlic and tomato
Salad wraps with poached chicken
Poached eggs on homemade bread
Frittata and salad
Yogurt and fruit
Vegetable sticks and fruit with a homemade dip

Our dinner menu is:

S- Homemade pizzas - the kids love participating
S - Turkey chilli con carne with brown rice
M - Pumpkin soup - great winter warmer
T - Rainbow Chicken - I also add kale to this
W - Pea & ham soup - another winter classic
T - Fajitas - I do add a mix of beef and chicken here
F - Sweet potato & pear soup - can you tell I love soups in winter?!

Snacks generally are nuts, fruit, raw vegetables and yogurt.
School lunches are a little different but I'll do a new blog post on those.


Brighter Days

A massive leap forward, something I have been brave enough to admit. I need help. It has taken a lot of arguments with myself and others, a lot of behaviour I am far from proud of, a lot of confusion to come to this decision, I must go to the doctors and go on medication for my bi-polar, it is destroying me and my family without it. Medication doesn't mean I am weak, it doesn't mean I am broken or pathetic, it means I am strong enough to admit I can't do this alone, I have tried for so long.

On top of the medications I will be trying other things too that I have learnt help bi-polar, I don't know if any of these actually work but it can't hurt to try.
- Omega 3 & Folate supplements (or foods richer in these)
- Regular exercise to boost those happy hormones
- Lepidolite - a crystal containing natural lithium which is a common medication for bi-polar
This is all I have at the moment but as I learn I will add more. So whilst this may not be a long or glamorous post it is an important one.

A rainbow in the storm

I always wanted to have 3 children, I looked at people with a whole tribe and thought they were insane and/or stupid. I dreamed of giving my kids everything they ever wanted living a luxurious life like you see in the magazines, a pool out the back, a fancy car, expensive holidays, nice big house with expensive furniture.

What have I got? 6 children (2 are in heaven, 4 are here on earth), a small rented 3 bedroom house, mostly second hand furniture, a car that fits us all in and gets us from a to b (just!), no holidays, no pool and a disaster zone for a house, certainly not magazine worthy more like embarrassed to have guests over!

Lately my depression has spiralled and spiralled fast and hard, I've turned into a monster, screaming at my kids all the time, pushing my husband away. Everyday I tell myself tomorrow will be better, I won't yell, I'll make them feel loved but I wake up and it's the same old thing. My kids will no doubt need therapy later in life to get over how horrible I am.

I never usually tell people how bad it is because I'm afraid, I know I'm mean, I know I say things I regret and really shouldn't, I know I snap without any warning signs that I can see, I regret every single thing I say and do, can I help it? No.

It sounds like a cop out I know, oh but I couldn't help it. I literally see no warning signs though no time to walk away and take a breather, I go from completely calm to snap instantly and I can tell you right now it is terrifying.

But what's more terrifying? The fact that we are expecting another baby!

We are approximately 8-9 weeks along, to be honest I really believe this baby is going to save me, help me become a better person. Yes we are going to be cramming 7 people into a 3 bedroom house, luckily our car has 8 seats, it will make money tighter but thankfully we cloth diaper, breastfeed, cosleep and babywear so don't need a lot for a baby just love which we have (or learning to have again).

So another baby may not be ideal but it is happening and I really, truly believe it is a blessing. Due to our losses we are keeping this hush from family for a little while until we have had ultrasounds to put our minds at ease.