2015 - the year everything changes

I don't usually do new years resolutions, my belief is they're made to be broken, you don't need to wait until new year to change your life etc BUT I am making some goals for 2015 so I guess I am jumping on board the new years resolution train.

My goals for 2015 are:
Lose 15kg
Tone up, be fit and healthy
Be able to eat clean (or mostly)
Save money
Learn to manage my bipolar and borderline personality disorder better

I know it seems like a lot, writing it down it looks a little overwhelming actually BUT they are all linked in, losing weight and making better lifestlye choices are great for mental health and not buying junk will help in saving money so technically they all link in together.

It just so happens that a new client of mine who is having a baby also owns a gym so I'm hoping to work a little magic and we can help each other! I am now heavier than I have ever been not pregnant, I'm heavier than I've been for most of my pregnancies too. The moment really hit when we did family photos at xmas and I was the biggest there, I looked and felt/feel horrible. I'm sluggish, tired, unmotivated, my self esteem has gone way out the window and ran away. I want to be able to feel confident in clothes not contantly pulling them down over the fat or changing because I look and feel like an elephant.

Why do I want to save money? Why do we all want money? I want to not struggle when a bill comes in or worry if I have enough money for groceries or when a child gets sick do I have enough for the medical care they need? If my car dies can I fix it? Being extremely low income this is going to be hard but I want to make a start and make an effort.
A few little things I am going to do are:
All coins under 50c will go in a jar
Everyday that I do not do exercise I put $1 in a jar
Everyday that I eat junk I put $1 in that jar

Hopefully I don't end up putting too many dollars in that jar, that one is a bit of a motivational thing rather than a saver.
I will also be doing the 52 week money challenge which is in the picture



I also want to start paying off some of my debts.
$150 a month (or more if I have any left over) will go towards this, its not a huge amount but it is better than nothing and is getting them paid off so I can be debt free.

I will be writing up a strict budget very soon, I do need to remember to put some play money in there though because we would go insane without being able to treat ourselves every now and then and having every single dollar tied up into living expenses.

I also aim to get my house under control. Mental illness and housework don't agree, they just don't and my poor house has suffered. Which gets me down even more, its quite the vicious cycle.
I am on a mission though, I will declutter - I have way too much, I get attached to silly things and can't throw them away.
Maybe we could all do a declutter challenge or a cleaning challenge - no judgements because mental illness effects our lives in enormous ways.

So lets get ready to say goodbye to 2014 and welcome 2015 with open hearts, minds and eyes!

A pointless rant

Here I go again another rant, another post with no actual meaning, another pity party.
Truth is I think I am going insane from no sleep, like literally.
I have my mental health worker coming over tomorrow and we only have 40 minutes because my daughter has an important appointment but I need to spill some things to her.
I have been having nightmares and flashbacks of my rape, even rapes that never happened to me but in my dreams they do and they turn so real, I wake up sweaty and crying. I even woke up this morning with a bite mark on my arm. I remember in my dream a man told me if I screamed I would die so I bit my arm, then I woke up with a bite mark. It is too much for me to take. Is this me remembering things from my rape because I have blocked a lot of things out and now I have started the trauma counselling I am remembering them and incorporating them into my dreams?
I know I never want to sleep again. Ever.

On the plus side the friend that I posted about last that was facing jail time was only given probation - thankfully, I am so thankful. She literally is my rock, she maybe half way around the world but I love her, she is my best friend, she is kind, loving, so selfless. I really am in awe of how strong she is. Everyday I stuff up where she stands so tall and strong.
Alcohol seems to be overtaking my life again, its the only thing that helps me get at least an hours solid sleep before the nightmares start if I go to sleep sober I don't even really sleep it all starts as I close my eyes.

My addictions are creeping back into my life, I just want something that takes all the stuff in my head away, the nightmares, the negativity, the stress, the arguing, everything. It doesn't feel like my bipolar medication is working anymore, maybe I need a higher dosage, I don't know I'm far from the professional here I just know I am losing it.
Maybe I need a break. They won't hospitalise me though, I don't know why, I truly feel I need it but apparently they've made things hard to get in - thanks to the Abbott Government - thanks you big earred twat.
I'm afraid to be honest, afraid of snapping lately, I know I am losing it, I know things are on top of me and I know I am using alcohol as a self medication type thing what can I do when nobody is listening? Wait until its too late and my kids get taken away or worse I do something to them that I cannot take back? How do I get somebody to listen when I say I am not fucking coping, I am cracking the fuck up, if these nightmares continue I will slice myself into little pieces or hang myself so they stop. How do I get somebody to take me seriously? The right people, my mental health team.
Don't get me wrong they're great but I need to be strong enough to say all of this out loud and for somebody to not think oh its just a bad day, it isn't just a bad day this is my life, the constant battle, every damn day.

Maybe I'll print this out and give this to my mental health worker tomorrow and see what she says, hopefully its good, hopefully she listens (she never hasn't), hopefully I am taken seriously. I'm already finding reasons not to.

It's been a while .... again!

I am lacking so much motivation right now and have so much going on.
My son was recently in hospital, only overnight thankfully but his asthma was so bad we needed to call an ambulance, this triggered everything from when their lungs collapsed at 9 weeks old.
I am still trying to piece myself back together.

My therapist/shrink who thankfully does housecalls dropped by earlier in the week and brought over someone I don't know and a male at that. She knows my history, knows my story and brings a strange man into my house, I am upset, I want to stop all therapy and go back to my hole. Do I learn to be strong or do I run away? I don't know.

Eating habits and exercise have gone to shit lately. Poor time management, poor head space, poor budget. I vow to get back on track!
It feels lately that the more I try to get my life on track the more it is spinning out of control, maybe I am on the wrong path, maybe I need to step back and re-evaluate.

Recently I was put on medication for my bipolar and I am even finding that hard, being "normal" not having as many mood changes is confusing for me as it is what I am used to, all I seem to do now is cry. I don't really have any manic episodes now so my motivation has gone with that, no more dancing around carefree cleaning every little nook of my house. My house - thats a whole new vent!

I've started writing a book about my experiences with loss, my anxiety is playing with me over that, will anyone read it, will it even be published? Will I finish it? I am hoping it acts as a healing aid for me and others, my work as a bereavement doula is certainly doing that, I haven't yet supported a family through loss because I haven't put myself out there, I'm not sure I am strong enough yet and want to be, no, need to be strong enough for the family I will be supporting, it isn't fair otherwise.

I am worried about a friend of mine, I know she reads this and really hope she doesn't mind me mentioning her here, I won't go into detail because I haven't asked her permission and it isn't my story to share but she faced a hard time and addiction took hold, something I am familiar with, now she faces a legal battle. Court is coming up and I am hoping and praying her judge sees the good she has done for so many people and how she has conquered her addiction and come out such a better, stronger person. If any of you have or have had an addiction problem I highly recommend her group on facebook it has been a true god send for me during hard time, the group is called life after the gamble ... if you read this, I am constantly hoping for the best outcome for you, you are my inspiration!

Tomorrow lunch time school holidays start, 9 weeks of the girls being home! I am going to embrace daycare days when I only have them and not the twins and have girly days and do things with them as I know the twins take so much attention away from them. I will need to start thinking of some ideas!
I better go now, I have to drop the girls off for their junior school dance!

When the struggle almost breaks you

Something bad happened today. $200 got taken from my bank account which was my grocery money. I for obvious reasons start stressing that I have $100 to feed my family (1 adult, 4 children) for 10 days. $10 per day, $2 per person and 3 meals per day - I'm screwed!!

Not quite phew! Did groceries. I'm yet to do the fruit and veg store which will provide sweet potatoes, fruit and pumpkin.
Also I have $20 aside for bread and milk.
So for under $100 (just) I managed it.

Lunches consist of noodles and soups I already have.
Breakfasts are toast, cornflakes or weetbix which I have.

Meal plan is:
Monday - spaghetti bolognese
Tuesday - pasta bake
Wednesday - baked beans on toast
Thursday - pumpkin soup
Friday - curried sausages and rice
Saturday - spaghetti on toast
Sunday - pasta bake
Monday - pumpkin soup
Tuesday - curried sausages and sweet potato mash
Wednesday - spaghetti bolognese

It's not glamorous - far, far from it. It's not clean, not all of its healthy, but I'm not going to beat myself up on this. In a bad situation I have still managed to be able to put food in my children's bellies and as a mother that means I have done my job. Could it be better, absolutely! Am I proud? No way. Could it be worse? Hell yes, I could have no food for my kids and no money. Instead I spent my last $100 to put food on the table for them.
Hopefully I can get the money back but I don't want my hopes up.

Never give up, things somehow will always work out. This is proof.

An update on my life

It has been a little while since I last blogged and for that I apologise! So what has been happening? Well I have had a lot of mental health stuff going on, had my medications changed twice in as many weeks and have officially been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Over the next few months my mental health workers and I are going to be working on my PTSD so I can accept new people into my life and repair the relationships with those currently in my life. I have joined a gym and have a personal trainer to start feeling good about myself and take advantage of all those fantastic benefits of exercise and endorphines. I am dedicated to starting to eat properly again. I have been stalking the 100 days of real food blog and want to do a similar challenge. I am joining Isagenix too to kick start my weight loss and new lifestyle. By cleansing and using the products I am hoping for increased energy, a general feeling of happiness and wellbeing from cleansing and freeing myself of toxins, support in cutting sugar, caffine and alcohol from my life. I will post more on my Isagenix journey once I have joined and can tell and show you the changes that I am certain I will acheive. But back to the real food challenge here is the challenge I will set for my family (this includes my ex as he has dinner here to spend time with the kids - something we are trialling) 181 days (6 months) - 2 adults - 4 children - 0 processed foods and on a budget! The budget shall be set at $600 per month. This is approx $1 per person, per meal. It doesn't sound like a lot does it? Especially since it doesn't include snacks either. I am determined to make this work and give my family a better, heathier life. I am not a nutritionalist at all so will be doing my best to balance all the nutrients so my children and myself (and I suppose the ex ;) ) aren't missing out on anything. I am working on the first fortnights meal plan and shopping list and will post that up as soon as I am done and have adapted recipes etc.

Self harm is not attention seeking

*****TRIGGER WARNING******
THIS BLOG POST DOES CONTAIN SELF HELP DISCUSSION AND IMAGES.



Something I heard recently has stuck in my head. Kept me awake. Made me cry. Made me angry and really i need to vent about it and it's coming in this post.

I was chatting recently with a very good friend about her brother in laws family, one obviously suffers from mental illness of some sort (I do not know the details but is often hospitalized from self harming) she said her boyfriend said to her "is that miss slitty?" That was the first thing that annoyed me the  as the conversation went on the boyfriend asks "so did she go across the street or up the road?" A question meaning which direction did she cut. The response was across the road. The boyfriend then said "so it's just attention seeking" she said pretty much.

Omg self harm is not about attention seeking (very, very, very rarely) 

This isn't attention seeking. Plus it has a drawing of my next tattoo ;) self harm isn't about people looking at you. I've never usually admitted.to my self harming let alone publicly displayed it, I always cover it so people can see, so do many others I know, if it were for attention wouldn't we be showing it off, flashing it around, wanting the sympathy?

It makes me so angry when people dismiss mental illness.  It is not a joke, it is serious.

Do I enjoy these scars? No. Am I proud of them? No. Do I cover them every chance I can? Yes. 

It is not about the attention not at all. I'm so angry I am going around in circles. 

Just please before you judge somebody for anything have step back. There could be a lot more to this persons story than you know. 

I am a survivor not a victim

I always thought until very recently I was a victim of domestic violence. I learnt not long ago I am not a victim, I am a survivor and since that light bulb moment I have felt stronger and ready to start moving on.

The things I experienced with my ex (my 9 year olds father) I would not wish upon anybody. Although I said earlier than I am ready to move on I have been having a lot flashbacks lately,8 years later. Being out of the relationship doesn't always make you free. I have lived in fear for so long and that is about to change. I have nothing to fear now.

My ex went as far as to attempt to kill my daughter and I, at this point I was too scared to tell police what really happened and he got numerous other domestic violence related charges and I wish now I hadn't have downplayed what he did. Do you know why I did it? It was out of fear, shame, embarrassment even guilt, guilt that I stayed that long to the point I could have lost my daughter.

One thing that really annoys me when it comes to domestic violence is how naive people can be. I heard so many times "why don't you just leave?" Or most commonly because I never really spoke up when I was in the relationship "why didn't you just leave?" When somebody controls you so much and you fear them that much you can't, you can't eat without being told you're allowed, can't listen to music if they don't want you to, shower when you're told. How are you meant to leave? The abuser knows this, control is their main weapon. I was not allowed anywhere by myself and if I was he had people follow me. 

As I said before domestic violence has long lasting effects on the person on the receiving ends. I may not have physical scars but I do have bones that were broken that get sore at night or in the cold, I do have a lump on my nose from where it was broken, I do have the lasting memories. Remembering being pulled aside at a neighbour's house to ask about the bruises around my neck, excuse after excuse to housing about another wall or door I "fell through" 

In my current relationship I am very defensive for example if my husband can't find his keys I instantly jump on the defense "I didn't touch them, it wasn't me" 

It is my time to stand back up. It is my time to be strong, be happy, live the life I deserve.

Domestic violence hasn't only effected me, my daughter has some long lasting effects too including severe anxiety and social disorders. 

The above picture is a tattoo I will be getting in the near future, the purple ribbon is the domestic violence awareness ribbon and I love butterflies. Thinking back now if it wasn't for a good friend of mine who is as good as a sister to me for calling the police one night when my ex was in a rage and police intercepting the car I really believe I would have died that night. 

I have to go do the school pick up now but may write more on this tonight.