The pull

II've been a heroin addict for 13 years now, I class myself as being an addict still because I don't believe you're ever "cured" you can be recovered for 40 years but people still relapse, that struggle always exists. 

At times it's barely there, other times it is everywhere you go. For me it's everywhere I go at the moment, every turn, every breath.

It's been 9 months since my last relapse. I've had more cravings in this last 9 months as I drag up my past than I have in years. 

I'd give a lot to just go get loaded right now, numb the pain, the glow, the relaxation. 

I know that rush never lasts long, the more you use to try and get it back the worse it is, yet you always wait for it despite the fact it's not coming.

I'm not sure what has triggered this. I have phases like this but not so intense. I can honestly say the only reason I'm not loaded right now is because my car isn't working, I'd walk but it's dark outside and the kids are asleep, it is taking a lot of strength to stay still though and it's exhausting.

I wake up thinking the only thing that is going to get me through that day is a hit. I'm agitated. I'm twitchy. All my head thinks about is how, where, why? I'm glad for now it's still thinking why.

I can't afford to be an addict, I don't want to be an addict. 

I need distractions, I wish this would go away. Need sleep, hopefully tomorrow is easier.

The guilty mirror

Okay so I know a mirror can't really be guilty more just the image looking back at me, deep within my soul, pouring out, crying even screaming to be heard.

I can't even say that image is me. The person staring back is unrecognisable to me. Everything I always said I would never become. Full of hatred and fear. Full of anger and hurt. A demon, so vile it destroys everthing in its path, no matter what or who that is. There is no colour, just black and white and even then more black than white.

The person, can it even be described as a person I think not, the thing in the mirror, it doesn't deserve children. They need more. They need to not live in fear of this thing, the thing lashes out all the time, it is hurtful, the names it calls people are horrible, it doesn't care, it doesn't stop.
It pushes, it shoves, it puts you down until you can't sink any further. Children don't need that, it doesn't just do it to them though, it does it to the body it has taken over, consumed the soul so there is nothing left just a hollow shell.

You can't even hide from the thing when it's inside you, everyday you vow that you won't let it win, you're stronger than that but it always wins.

Hiding in the bedroom letting children run the house (which now looks like a rather large tornado hit it)  just so the thing cannot get to them, living in fear everyday, crying because the guilt just overflows.

If you haven't guessed it yet this is how I am feeling right about now, I can't even call my mental health team at the hospital because my phone is flat and I don't know where the charger is and I don't want to go find it in fear of exploding. If only I could fall asleep and never wake up, I know I am not that lucky though. Maybe I should move out on my own away from everyone just run as far as I can to protect them.

A beautiful lie

Love - does it really exist? I mean I know it does but the fairytale we hear about, grow up longing for does that exist?
Is there such thing as a fairytale marriage? Two people being so consumed by each others love they understand each other completely, adore each other, shower each other in gifts ... You get the picture. I've always hoped and longed for it but have given up on it.

I have come close to feeling that way though. Not with my husband, not with anyone I was actually ever in a romantic relationship with either. I've felt that way with clients. In a past life (my drug addiction days) I worked as a prostitute. At first on the streets, that was a little scary and painful and not something pleasant at all, always getting ripped off by men, dropped off often places I didn't know, most of them were rough and treat you like shit. After id been on the street for a while I got a job offer at a safer location. A brothel which I won't name but it was/is in Melbourne. It was completely different there.

At first the girls didn't like me. Before long I didn't like any newcomer either, they were competition, they could potentially take any income i was making that night.
The men were different, most had money, nice lawyers, businessmen - the higher class I guess you'd say. They acted like gentlemen too - for the most part anyway there was always a couple that took things too far or got too physical.
You felt amazing lining up waiting for the client to pick his girl, when he picked you it was amazing, he wanted you, he wanted to pay for you.
Once you gained regulars they'd give you gifts, expensive jewellery, lines of speed, designer lingerie I can't deny it was good! I had never felt so wanted. Deep down I know they didn't want me as a person they were ultimately there for the sex.

I never kept the gifts I sold them all (except one necklace I still have) to use for drug money on slow nights, all my pay went on drugs too except for about $20 for food and smokes.
Lately life has become lonely. I've realized all my friends are online and they are great friends, the very best in fact but they aren't physically there, you can't hug them, cry on their shoulder, laugh with them, go for a meal. Things with my husband are cold at the moment. I'm trying but it feels like I'll never be appreciated. He never seems happy. I know a lot of that is down to my behavior with my borderline personality disorder but if he would just take the time to learn about it he would know why I say what I do, react the way I do.

The old world is becoming so tempting. To feel wanted, needed, showered with gifts. Was that the fairytale? Surely the fairytale doesn't really lie within a brothel.
I said before they were only there for the sex I lie. There was one client let's call him (now I have to think of a name haha) Dave. Well Dave and I never once had sex of any kind. I never ever saw him naked even. He paid to just come and talk. He suffered from anxiety and depression and was too scared to go into the "real world" and date so he used to come and "date me" he would bring food, we would light candles, he would massage me, lying there he would stroke my face and play with my hair and tell me how beautiful I was. He made me feel, well I can't even describe it, he made my life worth living. I looked forward to his visits. He wasn't my type at all but he was special. He was 35-40 years older than me, balding and grey but gentle, sophisticated and one of a kind. I didn't love him, I know that but he did open a new door for me. One that made me know what I want to feel from a partner. I used to feel that way about my husband, he treated me amazingly over the years that's changed. Does it just go away when you've been together for almost 10 years?

I miss dressing up, I miss being made to feel special. There are parts I don't miss of course but parts I really do.

2015 - the year everything changes

I don't usually do new years resolutions, my belief is they're made to be broken, you don't need to wait until new year to change your life etc BUT I am making some goals for 2015 so I guess I am jumping on board the new years resolution train.

My goals for 2015 are:
Lose 15kg
Tone up, be fit and healthy
Be able to eat clean (or mostly)
Save money
Learn to manage my bipolar and borderline personality disorder better

I know it seems like a lot, writing it down it looks a little overwhelming actually BUT they are all linked in, losing weight and making better lifestlye choices are great for mental health and not buying junk will help in saving money so technically they all link in together.

It just so happens that a new client of mine who is having a baby also owns a gym so I'm hoping to work a little magic and we can help each other! I am now heavier than I have ever been not pregnant, I'm heavier than I've been for most of my pregnancies too. The moment really hit when we did family photos at xmas and I was the biggest there, I looked and felt/feel horrible. I'm sluggish, tired, unmotivated, my self esteem has gone way out the window and ran away. I want to be able to feel confident in clothes not contantly pulling them down over the fat or changing because I look and feel like an elephant.

Why do I want to save money? Why do we all want money? I want to not struggle when a bill comes in or worry if I have enough money for groceries or when a child gets sick do I have enough for the medical care they need? If my car dies can I fix it? Being extremely low income this is going to be hard but I want to make a start and make an effort.
A few little things I am going to do are:
All coins under 50c will go in a jar
Everyday that I do not do exercise I put $1 in a jar
Everyday that I eat junk I put $1 in that jar

Hopefully I don't end up putting too many dollars in that jar, that one is a bit of a motivational thing rather than a saver.
I will also be doing the 52 week money challenge which is in the picture



I also want to start paying off some of my debts.
$150 a month (or more if I have any left over) will go towards this, its not a huge amount but it is better than nothing and is getting them paid off so I can be debt free.

I will be writing up a strict budget very soon, I do need to remember to put some play money in there though because we would go insane without being able to treat ourselves every now and then and having every single dollar tied up into living expenses.

I also aim to get my house under control. Mental illness and housework don't agree, they just don't and my poor house has suffered. Which gets me down even more, its quite the vicious cycle.
I am on a mission though, I will declutter - I have way too much, I get attached to silly things and can't throw them away.
Maybe we could all do a declutter challenge or a cleaning challenge - no judgements because mental illness effects our lives in enormous ways.

So lets get ready to say goodbye to 2014 and welcome 2015 with open hearts, minds and eyes!

A pointless rant

Here I go again another rant, another post with no actual meaning, another pity party.
Truth is I think I am going insane from no sleep, like literally.
I have my mental health worker coming over tomorrow and we only have 40 minutes because my daughter has an important appointment but I need to spill some things to her.
I have been having nightmares and flashbacks of my rape, even rapes that never happened to me but in my dreams they do and they turn so real, I wake up sweaty and crying. I even woke up this morning with a bite mark on my arm. I remember in my dream a man told me if I screamed I would die so I bit my arm, then I woke up with a bite mark. It is too much for me to take. Is this me remembering things from my rape because I have blocked a lot of things out and now I have started the trauma counselling I am remembering them and incorporating them into my dreams?
I know I never want to sleep again. Ever.

On the plus side the friend that I posted about last that was facing jail time was only given probation - thankfully, I am so thankful. She literally is my rock, she maybe half way around the world but I love her, she is my best friend, she is kind, loving, so selfless. I really am in awe of how strong she is. Everyday I stuff up where she stands so tall and strong.
Alcohol seems to be overtaking my life again, its the only thing that helps me get at least an hours solid sleep before the nightmares start if I go to sleep sober I don't even really sleep it all starts as I close my eyes.

My addictions are creeping back into my life, I just want something that takes all the stuff in my head away, the nightmares, the negativity, the stress, the arguing, everything. It doesn't feel like my bipolar medication is working anymore, maybe I need a higher dosage, I don't know I'm far from the professional here I just know I am losing it.
Maybe I need a break. They won't hospitalise me though, I don't know why, I truly feel I need it but apparently they've made things hard to get in - thanks to the Abbott Government - thanks you big earred twat.
I'm afraid to be honest, afraid of snapping lately, I know I am losing it, I know things are on top of me and I know I am using alcohol as a self medication type thing what can I do when nobody is listening? Wait until its too late and my kids get taken away or worse I do something to them that I cannot take back? How do I get somebody to listen when I say I am not fucking coping, I am cracking the fuck up, if these nightmares continue I will slice myself into little pieces or hang myself so they stop. How do I get somebody to take me seriously? The right people, my mental health team.
Don't get me wrong they're great but I need to be strong enough to say all of this out loud and for somebody to not think oh its just a bad day, it isn't just a bad day this is my life, the constant battle, every damn day.

Maybe I'll print this out and give this to my mental health worker tomorrow and see what she says, hopefully its good, hopefully she listens (she never hasn't), hopefully I am taken seriously. I'm already finding reasons not to.

It's been a while .... again!

I am lacking so much motivation right now and have so much going on.
My son was recently in hospital, only overnight thankfully but his asthma was so bad we needed to call an ambulance, this triggered everything from when their lungs collapsed at 9 weeks old.
I am still trying to piece myself back together.

My therapist/shrink who thankfully does housecalls dropped by earlier in the week and brought over someone I don't know and a male at that. She knows my history, knows my story and brings a strange man into my house, I am upset, I want to stop all therapy and go back to my hole. Do I learn to be strong or do I run away? I don't know.

Eating habits and exercise have gone to shit lately. Poor time management, poor head space, poor budget. I vow to get back on track!
It feels lately that the more I try to get my life on track the more it is spinning out of control, maybe I am on the wrong path, maybe I need to step back and re-evaluate.

Recently I was put on medication for my bipolar and I am even finding that hard, being "normal" not having as many mood changes is confusing for me as it is what I am used to, all I seem to do now is cry. I don't really have any manic episodes now so my motivation has gone with that, no more dancing around carefree cleaning every little nook of my house. My house - thats a whole new vent!

I've started writing a book about my experiences with loss, my anxiety is playing with me over that, will anyone read it, will it even be published? Will I finish it? I am hoping it acts as a healing aid for me and others, my work as a bereavement doula is certainly doing that, I haven't yet supported a family through loss because I haven't put myself out there, I'm not sure I am strong enough yet and want to be, no, need to be strong enough for the family I will be supporting, it isn't fair otherwise.

I am worried about a friend of mine, I know she reads this and really hope she doesn't mind me mentioning her here, I won't go into detail because I haven't asked her permission and it isn't my story to share but she faced a hard time and addiction took hold, something I am familiar with, now she faces a legal battle. Court is coming up and I am hoping and praying her judge sees the good she has done for so many people and how she has conquered her addiction and come out such a better, stronger person. If any of you have or have had an addiction problem I highly recommend her group on facebook it has been a true god send for me during hard time, the group is called life after the gamble ... if you read this, I am constantly hoping for the best outcome for you, you are my inspiration!

Tomorrow lunch time school holidays start, 9 weeks of the girls being home! I am going to embrace daycare days when I only have them and not the twins and have girly days and do things with them as I know the twins take so much attention away from them. I will need to start thinking of some ideas!
I better go now, I have to drop the girls off for their junior school dance!

When the struggle almost breaks you

Something bad happened today. $200 got taken from my bank account which was my grocery money. I for obvious reasons start stressing that I have $100 to feed my family (1 adult, 4 children) for 10 days. $10 per day, $2 per person and 3 meals per day - I'm screwed!!

Not quite phew! Did groceries. I'm yet to do the fruit and veg store which will provide sweet potatoes, fruit and pumpkin.
Also I have $20 aside for bread and milk.
So for under $100 (just) I managed it.

Lunches consist of noodles and soups I already have.
Breakfasts are toast, cornflakes or weetbix which I have.

Meal plan is:
Monday - spaghetti bolognese
Tuesday - pasta bake
Wednesday - baked beans on toast
Thursday - pumpkin soup
Friday - curried sausages and rice
Saturday - spaghetti on toast
Sunday - pasta bake
Monday - pumpkin soup
Tuesday - curried sausages and sweet potato mash
Wednesday - spaghetti bolognese

It's not glamorous - far, far from it. It's not clean, not all of its healthy, but I'm not going to beat myself up on this. In a bad situation I have still managed to be able to put food in my children's bellies and as a mother that means I have done my job. Could it be better, absolutely! Am I proud? No way. Could it be worse? Hell yes, I could have no food for my kids and no money. Instead I spent my last $100 to put food on the table for them.
Hopefully I can get the money back but I don't want my hopes up.

Never give up, things somehow will always work out. This is proof.