I am a survivor not a victim

I always thought until very recently I was a victim of domestic violence. I learnt not long ago I am not a victim, I am a survivor and since that light bulb moment I have felt stronger and ready to start moving on.

The things I experienced with my ex (my 9 year olds father) I would not wish upon anybody. Although I said earlier than I am ready to move on I have been having a lot flashbacks lately,8 years later. Being out of the relationship doesn't always make you free. I have lived in fear for so long and that is about to change. I have nothing to fear now.

My ex went as far as to attempt to kill my daughter and I, at this point I was too scared to tell police what really happened and he got numerous other domestic violence related charges and I wish now I hadn't have downplayed what he did. Do you know why I did it? It was out of fear, shame, embarrassment even guilt, guilt that I stayed that long to the point I could have lost my daughter.

One thing that really annoys me when it comes to domestic violence is how naive people can be. I heard so many times "why don't you just leave?" Or most commonly because I never really spoke up when I was in the relationship "why didn't you just leave?" When somebody controls you so much and you fear them that much you can't, you can't eat without being told you're allowed, can't listen to music if they don't want you to, shower when you're told. How are you meant to leave? The abuser knows this, control is their main weapon. I was not allowed anywhere by myself and if I was he had people follow me. 

As I said before domestic violence has long lasting effects on the person on the receiving ends. I may not have physical scars but I do have bones that were broken that get sore at night or in the cold, I do have a lump on my nose from where it was broken, I do have the lasting memories. Remembering being pulled aside at a neighbour's house to ask about the bruises around my neck, excuse after excuse to housing about another wall or door I "fell through" 

In my current relationship I am very defensive for example if my husband can't find his keys I instantly jump on the defense "I didn't touch them, it wasn't me" 

It is my time to stand back up. It is my time to be strong, be happy, live the life I deserve.

Domestic violence hasn't only effected me, my daughter has some long lasting effects too including severe anxiety and social disorders. 

The above picture is a tattoo I will be getting in the near future, the purple ribbon is the domestic violence awareness ribbon and I love butterflies. Thinking back now if it wasn't for a good friend of mine who is as good as a sister to me for calling the police one night when my ex was in a rage and police intercepting the car I really believe I would have died that night. 

I have to go do the school pick up now but may write more on this tonight.

Nothing is left just a hollow shell

Yesterday I turned 16 weeks pregnant.
It should be happy, we (well I) have been busy picking out baby furniture and prams, we have discussed names, bought outfits all that stuff you do when planning for a baby.

This was a 15 week picture, I didn't take a 16 week one, bump was progressing very well, we had the heartbeat checked with a doppler a few days ago and all was amazing.



That has all come crashing down and exploded in a big firey mess. 2 days ago I started bleeding and went to go get checked out because there was quite a lot of blood and it was bright red and had started to follow up with cramping. Waited around at the hospital for ages before being seen and they confirmed it, our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

Thankfully I have been able to come home and try pass the baby naturally rather than  a D&C.
This is my 11th miscarriage, yes 11th. I have been thrown off parenting forums before as the admin team didn't seem to believe somebody can miscarry so often but when you have a condition called Asherman's Syndrome it makes this a reality/nightmare for me, so please before judging somebody take a second to think and even talk to them because I was never allowed to give my side.

Now I am left feeling empty, more empty than usual. Normally when we miscarry I think it's ok we will get pregnant again and hope like crazy again, except this time I promised my husband was the last time I would put myself through this, there is no more chances. No more babies.

I can't type about this anymore at the moment, it hurts too much.

A week as the monster

The monster is what I now call myself during my depressive states. I have become a monster. I don't even recognise myself anymore.
Yesterday morning I smashed a window in a rage, I didn't mean to break it but I kicked something in the lounge room and it hit the window.
I self harmed for the first time in a long time last night and now everything that touches my arm makes it burn.

I don't even know what has made me like this, everyday I am yelling, putting down those I love, being down right mean to them, degrading them. I am everything I always avoided, everything I ran away from. I am abusive to my family and I want it to stop now.

I cannot keep doing it to them, I do not want my children to end up as screwed up as I am, I want to fix me so I don't break them.

I already get professional help and currently not medicated, we are working towards that with the people I see at the psychiatric hospital. I need ways of stopping myself in that moment, how do I do that when I don't see the moment until it's too late, until I am too angry to stop and it just keeps coming and coming.

I don't even get a little ticked off these days I go from fine to an absolute rage in a second, I don't see it coming and I don't know how to stop it.
I have tried walks, going out for a while when I am angry if hubby is home to watch the kids and it doesn't work for me. I am thinking of doing yoga and meditation.

All I know right now is I hate who I have become, I am an empty shell, I do not recognise myself anymore, I do not want to be this person/thing I have become. I want to be happy, I want to love my kids, I want my kids to love me, I want to laugh, I want to be able to hug my family without feeling sick and repulsed, I want to feel warm and fuzzy again, I want to smile - a real smile not a forced one, I want to laugh so hard I cry, so much it hurts your chest. I want to feel light again not heavy.
I will be me again, I will!

Save Breastfeeding Mama Talk

I admin on a facebook page called Breastfeeding Mama Talk. It was originally started as just a page to help and support breastfeeding mothers as in many communities it is still something that is very much looked down upon and many don't know where to turn for support.
Kristy Kemp the owner is no stranger to the struggle that comes along with running such a support page and the guidelines of social media.



Now Breastfeeding Mama Talk has 344,933 likers! We support and help hundreds of women per day. Breastfeeding Mama Talk has also now expanded due to having so many followers.

A private group for those who want community support and advice without those on their facebook friends list seeing (unless of course they are in the group too)

A picture page to share all those adoreable breastfeeding photos

The lions den for all your uncensored, controversial chit chat

Mama Talk Uncensored a private version of the lions den for all the banned topics within our regular groups such as abortion, circumcision etc

The adoption triangle is a group for those who were adopted, have adopted a child or have adopted out their own child

 Are you trying to conceive? There is a group for those to chat about pregnancy tests, cervical mucus and ovulation

Let's talk sex! For the women who are 18+ who like a bit of adult conversation

A private group to share your picture can also be found here at picture shares if you prefer not to use the public page

Teen moms or moms to be have a special place to chat about life as a teen mom or a former teen mom

Do you like playing  games such as how old am I? or the who does my baby look like? This group is for you mama games

We even have a place for daddies to be involved too mommies and daddies united

Mamas in the kitchen is a great place to show of your latest creation or to get inspiration or meal planning tips

My favourite group that BFMT has to offer, a special place for those who have lost a baby or child at any stage of life and any gestation, a warm and gentle community parents of angels

For the blended family - Step families

Our special heroes is a group dedicated to those of us who has a child living with a disability or illness

See BFMT supports A LOT of families in many different ways, so why would a group of almost 40,000 women get shut down? Our regular breastfeeding mama talk in private group was shut down by facebook with no warning or explanation, may admins locked out of their accounts. We have had to set up a new group which can be found here breastfeeding mama talk privately

It is unfair that a group so large and supporting so many women just disappear overnight, members were not told where it went, many thought they had been kicked out by admin which certainly is not the case.
People have taken this time to make up false allegations against breastfeeding mama talk. Thankfully many people are supporting bfmt and are rallying together to get our voices heard by facebook and reinstate our group.



If you would love to get behind breastfeeding mothers and the support they get from our LC's, breastfeeding counsellors, nurses and experienced admin please hastage save bfmt on facebook! #savebfmt
40,000 women should not be punished and left without a safe place to get advice. Yes there are many other support groups out there but for a great deal of women in the group they needed to build up a trust relationship first before delving into the concerns they had about the shape of their nipples etc.

My mission for the 2014-2015 financial year

One of my wishes is to be able to own my own house.
Before I can do that I need to fix up my credit rating. My ex got out a whole heap of things when we broke up in my name and ran up HUGE bills on them, to this day I am still finding out about some, I got a nice phone call from a phone company I have never been with a few days ago for an unpaid bill of $2000 in 2006. Unfortunately there is not much I can do about it as he had all my details, drivers licence number, my equivalent of a social security number, everything. So to them "I" signed up.

Anyway with all of these debts I cannot apply for anything and I hate it, if it were my own fault I could accept it but since it wasn't it makes me really angry.
I have to find out how much I owe everyone and make payment plans to pay them all off.
Hopefully this can be done this financial year but of course that depends on that amount owed.
It will mean being on a very strict budget with no room for luxuries but the end result will be worth it.

So each fortnight I will pay my rent, pay my bills, buy groceries, fuel, childcare and pay off my debts that is all, no spending on things that aren't needed.
I will cut back in every area possible. I will not upgrade my phone or sign up for anything new until these debts are paid.

Now I don't know much about the system, after I pay these defaults I don't know what happens, does my credit rating go to zero or is it still bad but shows I have paid? Can I get loans once they are paid?

I'm not sure. My rent has always been paid, my gas bill is $700 in credit and my electricity bill is up to date, I have a phone on a plan - surely these things go in my favour?

Once this is all up to date hopefully by then end of this financial year (June 30th 2015) I will start saving like crazy for a deposit.

Assuming nothing changes moneywise here
Rent - $520 per fortnight (every 2 weeks)
Groceries - $320 per fortnight
Electricity - $110 per fortnight
Gas - $60 per fortnight
Mobile - $60 per fortnight
Ipad - $50 per fortnight
Home phone (incl internet) - $70 per fortnight
Childcare - $200 per fortnight
Fuel - $100 per fortnight
School fees - $200 per fortnight
Water - $10 per fortnight
Emergency/extras - $100 per fortnight
Medications - $140 per fortnight

So thats a grand total of: $1940 per fortnight. Groceries is on the larger side of what we spend but I'd like to know I have enough put aside.
We get approx $2248.54 per fortnight so $308.54 remains.

This isn't a great deal as we are supporting 4 children too.
But hopefully if this all goes to plan by June 30th 2015 I will have paid off $7404.96 I may not even have to pay that much until I get a hold of my credit rating I really have no idea.

That is also how much I'll be saving once debts are paid off, it is a little amount compared to most I know, we will be living tough.

We are country people so we want land to have our sheep, cows, chickens etc we also need at least 4 bedrooms but at least with our own house we can save (again!) and extend. So looking at the realestate.com website we need approx $700,000 for a property we want (this includes estimated legal costs) so I'd want a 10-15% deposit given my credit history isn't great.
15% of $700,000 is $105,000 how is it even possible to save this amount before I am 70?

Given how much I can currently save (worked on the above assuming the car doesn't need repairing or anything else) it will take me 14.5 years to save this. I want to own my home by the time I am 34, I am now 27, I have 6.5 years to save that amount - how on earth will I do that?
The only option is to severely downgrade what we want in a house which with 5 children really isn't an option they need space to sleep.

Anyone got any good saving tips?

 

Meal plan 12-26 July

With my mental health taking a fast plummet to the ground with no sign of survivors I am stepping my lifestyle up a gear in hopes that if survivors are found they at least have a chance of recovery.

First things first - what we eat.
We don't eat bad, a lot of our meals are healthy and for the most part clean but we do get take away through the week, or I skip meals that I shouldn't. No more.
Clean, healthy and sugar free (baby steps with that one!)

So lets see the meal plan!

SATURDAY
Breakfast - Fruit & Spinach Smoothies
Lunch - Poached Eggs on Toast
Dinner - Roasted Vegetable Tacos with Cumin Cashew Crema

SUNDAY
Breakfast - Blueberry & Banana Quinoa Muffins
Lunch - Fruit Pizza
Dinner - Ginger & Peanut Chickpea Sliders with Sweet Lime Cashew Cream

MONDAY
Breakfast - Berry Parfait
Lunch - Slowcooker Black Beans & Chicken
Dinner - Mango Cashew Chicken

TUESDAY
Breakfast - Pink Breakfast Smoothie
Lunch - Egg Salad Sandwiches
Dinner - Pumpkin Risotto

WEDNESDAY
Breakfast - Blueberry& Banana Quinoa Muffins
Lunch - Slowcooker Black Beans & Chicken
Dinner - Fish & Sweet Potato Cakes with steamed veggies

THURSDAY
Breakfast - Pink Breakfast Smoothie
Lunch - Poached Eggs on Toast
Dinner - Pork, Apple & Sage Meatballs with sweet potato mash

FRIDAY
Breakfast - Fruit & Spinach Smoothies
Lunch - Slowcooker Black Beans & Chicken
Dinner - Turkey Chilli with Wholegrain Cornbread

SNACKS
Fruit Kebabs
Fruit & Yoghurt
Nuts
Boiled Eggs
Frozen Banana Bites
Peanut Butter Dip with Fruit

Secondly - fitness
Endorphins do amazing things for us as does self esteem, being healthy and feeling great surely has to help in some way.

Morning Yoga
Bootcamp 3 x per week at Ballarat Health Studio - 45 minutes of intense workouts at 6am!
30 day challenges
On Thursday & Fridays I will also be walking/jogging around Wendouree Lake which is 6km and probably work in a weekend walk with the whole family too
Yoga to promote better sleep 

I also need to think of some ideas for when the boys are in daycare and the girls are in school of things to do for ME

Control and routine

According to my therapist I make lists for everything so I can control things which is apparently very common for abuse survivors to have that thing they can control when everything else is so out of control or out of your own control at least.

 

So why not use this blessing or curse (it can be both) to add some structure to my life and make things easier.


Obviously I have to be a little flexible with these because we never know what is going to happen in life, illness or I could be called into a birth etc.

My mornings now shall consist of:

Yoga before the kids get up
http://www.fitsugar.com/Yoga
Bootcamp 3 times a week (at 6am eekkk!)
1-2 loads of washing
Make all beds


Afternoons will now consist of:

Meal prep to make dinner not a huge rush
Sweep all floors and vacuum carpeted areas
Wipe all surfaces

Evenings will now consist of:

Doing dishes every single night
Folding washing every single night
More yoga
http://www.fitsugar.com/Yoga

This may not seem like a lot to the average person but for me it is a lot, I need this structure and this stability. Doing these simple things will help stay on top of my housework to avoid me becoming overwhelmed which has happened a lot recently.
It is not easy with 4 young children to do these things so I am keeping it simple but hopefully it will be effective and soon these will be routine and a part of my everyday normal so more can be added.

Now to work on some lists of activities to do with the kids so we can work some fun into our days too!