Wednesday, 17 December 2014

A pointless rant

Here I go again another rant, another post with no actual meaning, another pity party.
Truth is I think I am going insane from no sleep, like literally.
I have my mental health worker coming over tomorrow and we only have 40 minutes because my daughter has an important appointment but I need to spill some things to her.
I have been having nightmares and flashbacks of my rape, even rapes that never happened to me but in my dreams they do and they turn so real, I wake up sweaty and crying. I even woke up this morning with a bite mark on my arm. I remember in my dream a man told me if I screamed I would die so I bit my arm, then I woke up with a bite mark. It is too much for me to take. Is this me remembering things from my rape because I have blocked a lot of things out and now I have started the trauma counselling I am remembering them and incorporating them into my dreams?
I know I never want to sleep again. Ever.

On the plus side the friend that I posted about last that was facing jail time was only given probation - thankfully, I am so thankful. She literally is my rock, she maybe half way around the world but I love her, she is my best friend, she is kind, loving, so selfless. I really am in awe of how strong she is. Everyday I stuff up where she stands so tall and strong.
Alcohol seems to be overtaking my life again, its the only thing that helps me get at least an hours solid sleep before the nightmares start if I go to sleep sober I don't even really sleep it all starts as I close my eyes.

My addictions are creeping back into my life, I just want something that takes all the stuff in my head away, the nightmares, the negativity, the stress, the arguing, everything. It doesn't feel like my bipolar medication is working anymore, maybe I need a higher dosage, I don't know I'm far from the professional here I just know I am losing it.
Maybe I need a break. They won't hospitalise me though, I don't know why, I truly feel I need it but apparently they've made things hard to get in - thanks to the Abbott Government - thanks you big earred twat.
I'm afraid to be honest, afraid of snapping lately, I know I am losing it, I know things are on top of me and I know I am using alcohol as a self medication type thing what can I do when nobody is listening? Wait until its too late and my kids get taken away or worse I do something to them that I cannot take back? How do I get somebody to listen when I say I am not fucking coping, I am cracking the fuck up, if these nightmares continue I will slice myself into little pieces or hang myself so they stop. How do I get somebody to take me seriously? The right people, my mental health team.
Don't get me wrong they're great but I need to be strong enough to say all of this out loud and for somebody to not think oh its just a bad day, it isn't just a bad day this is my life, the constant battle, every damn day.

Maybe I'll print this out and give this to my mental health worker tomorrow and see what she says, hopefully its good, hopefully she listens (she never hasn't), hopefully I am taken seriously. I'm already finding reasons not to.

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