Tuesday, 13 January 2015

The guilty mirror

Okay so I know a mirror can't really be guilty more just the image looking back at me, deep within my soul, pouring out, crying even screaming to be heard.

I can't even say that image is me. The person staring back is unrecognisable to me. Everything I always said I would never become. Full of hatred and fear. Full of anger and hurt. A demon, so vile it destroys everthing in its path, no matter what or who that is. There is no colour, just black and white and even then more black than white.

The person, can it even be described as a person I think not, the thing in the mirror, it doesn't deserve children. They need more. They need to not live in fear of this thing, the thing lashes out all the time, it is hurtful, the names it calls people are horrible, it doesn't care, it doesn't stop.
It pushes, it shoves, it puts you down until you can't sink any further. Children don't need that, it doesn't just do it to them though, it does it to the body it has taken over, consumed the soul so there is nothing left just a hollow shell.

You can't even hide from the thing when it's inside you, everyday you vow that you won't let it win, you're stronger than that but it always wins.

Hiding in the bedroom letting children run the house (which now looks like a rather large tornado hit it)  just so the thing cannot get to them, living in fear everyday, crying because the guilt just overflows.

If you haven't guessed it yet this is how I am feeling right about now, I can't even call my mental health team at the hospital because my phone is flat and I don't know where the charger is and I don't want to go find it in fear of exploding. If only I could fall asleep and never wake up, I know I am not that lucky though. Maybe I should move out on my own away from everyone just run as far as I can to protect them.

Thursday, 1 January 2015

A beautiful lie

Love - does it really exist? I mean I know it does but the fairytale we hear about, grow up longing for does that exist?
Is there such thing as a fairytale marriage? Two people being so consumed by each others love they understand each other completely, adore each other, shower each other in gifts ... You get the picture. I've always hoped and longed for it but have given up on it.

I have come close to feeling that way though. Not with my husband, not with anyone I was actually ever in a romantic relationship with either. I've felt that way with clients. In a past life (my drug addiction days) I worked as a prostitute. At first on the streets, that was a little scary and painful and not something pleasant at all, always getting ripped off by men, dropped off often places I didn't know, most of them were rough and treat you like shit. After id been on the street for a while I got a job offer at a safer location. A brothel which I won't name but it was/is in Melbourne. It was completely different there.

At first the girls didn't like me. Before long I didn't like any newcomer either, they were competition, they could potentially take any income i was making that night.
The men were different, most had money, nice lawyers, businessmen - the higher class I guess you'd say. They acted like gentlemen too - for the most part anyway there was always a couple that took things too far or got too physical.
You felt amazing lining up waiting for the client to pick his girl, when he picked you it was amazing, he wanted you, he wanted to pay for you.
Once you gained regulars they'd give you gifts, expensive jewellery, lines of speed, designer lingerie I can't deny it was good! I had never felt so wanted. Deep down I know they didn't want me as a person they were ultimately there for the sex.

I never kept the gifts I sold them all (except one necklace I still have) to use for drug money on slow nights, all my pay went on drugs too except for about $20 for food and smokes.
Lately life has become lonely. I've realized all my friends are online and they are great friends, the very best in fact but they aren't physically there, you can't hug them, cry on their shoulder, laugh with them, go for a meal. Things with my husband are cold at the moment. I'm trying but it feels like I'll never be appreciated. He never seems happy. I know a lot of that is down to my behavior with my borderline personality disorder but if he would just take the time to learn about it he would know why I say what I do, react the way I do.

The old world is becoming so tempting. To feel wanted, needed, showered with gifts. Was that the fairytale? Surely the fairytale doesn't really lie within a brothel.
I said before they were only there for the sex I lie. There was one client let's call him (now I have to think of a name haha) Dave. Well Dave and I never once had sex of any kind. I never ever saw him naked even. He paid to just come and talk. He suffered from anxiety and depression and was too scared to go into the "real world" and date so he used to come and "date me" he would bring food, we would light candles, he would massage me, lying there he would stroke my face and play with my hair and tell me how beautiful I was. He made me feel, well I can't even describe it, he made my life worth living. I looked forward to his visits. He wasn't my type at all but he was special. He was 35-40 years older than me, balding and grey but gentle, sophisticated and one of a kind. I didn't love him, I know that but he did open a new door for me. One that made me know what I want to feel from a partner. I used to feel that way about my husband, he treated me amazingly over the years that's changed. Does it just go away when you've been together for almost 10 years?

I miss dressing up, I miss being made to feel special. There are parts I don't miss of course but parts I really do.