Monday, 27 April 2015

Who you were back then

As most of you know i am a part of a truly fabulous group on facebook called "life after the gamble" it's all about addiction and mental health.
Through that group I have met many inspirational people and only a few days ago came across a man who I believe has now written 3 books, I won't name him without permission though.
He posed a question to a few people about what is their story,  what led them to addiction? In this case mostly gambling and why do they want to change this.
So it got me thinking.

For me addiction was a get away,  an escape from reality to begin with. Then it just became life, a way to function, a way to be able to get up and breathe the next day.
While I have battled and I'd like to say won some of my addictions for example heroin, I keep replacing one addiction with another which doesn't help.
So the reason I drink is the same as the original reason for developing a drug habit.
Why do I want to change this?
I want to be a better mother, have more money, less worries and most of all I actually want to deal with the things that have been hiding since childhood,  the things I have masked with addiction.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

My own therapy

So my mental health team has fallen apart with my worker needing to resign and not being replaced. So if I go a little coo coo ca choo for a while it's just me trying to handle things and the difference.

I'm going to be trying out a heap of things as therapy. Mainly craft and cooking because I love to create things and I love to eat!

At this stage (whilst I think entering hypomania so have a million ideas) I want to sew again, learn to knit and crochet (I've already started a pair of booties!), I love candles so want to learn to make my own as well as soaps. Lots of different things maybe even painting again.

As for the food it will for the most part be healthy fitting in with my desire to lose weight though with these meds I may as well just swim around in bacon fat all day. Experimenting with things to replace soy and dairy since my twins can't have it.
Then sometimes there will be chocolate smothered heaven for some mama indulgence.

So watch this space!

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

Putting The Past To Bed

My past - so many shades of fucked up. No that is NOT a reference to THAT movie.
Experiencing more than you're average person yet still fighting to blend in with the crowd.
Can it be done?
Firstly I think I need to accept that the past is the past, it made me who I am today but doesn't define me. Things happen for a reason and I have learnt from them.
So I'm just going to get it all out and "cleanse" myself of the past, move forward.

What are the things in my past that I feel have had a negative effect?
Being a heroin addict, prostitution, rape, abuse of all kinds, my son passing away, delivering my stillborn daughter, my miscarriages, the lies, the deceit. The list does go on.

I've beaten a lot of these things but not overcome them. I haven't used heroin in a long time, I haven't been paid for sex in 8 years, I left my abusive ex and started a new life. The loss of my children led me to my work in helping other families through loss.

So why some days do I feel a pull to go back? Simple, once an addict, always an addict. Actively using or not I think it would be a lie to say that there are not days I would go back without hesitation.
Why? I don't know, in these moments my head forgets the hunger, the fear, the desperate need, the feelings of hurt and withdrawls. In my dark times I just think it would be an easy escape to go back to not caring about anything but making enough money for a hit.

In reality I have come so far since then. I have an education, 4 beautiful (although sometimes torturous) children. I own my own business, I am a committee member for a large charity organization, I am the Australian representative for a huge event coming to Australia (more on that later it doesn't feel right putting it in this post), I don't have savings but I'm not desperate for money anymore, my rent is paid, my bills are paid there is always food on the table, we are clothed and warm. So really to go back to that lifestyle would be throwing so, so much away.

So what am I going to do? Well I love to create things, I love to sew and paint. I love to make things from paper whether it be cards or scrapbooking. I love metal work and jewellery making. I am teaching myself to knit and crochet (thank you YouTube) I am going to use my love of craft and creating as an outlet, when I am feeling weak or even manic to keep myself busy in a productive way. Who knows I could even make some spending money from it.

I am no longer going to be ashamed of my past, I am not going to shout it from the rooftops loud and proud either but acknowledge that the path led me somewhere, taught me something. Made me who I am today and one great lady in my life at the moment tells me that's not a bad thing who I am.
The only thing that I cannot move on from so easily is the rape, it was 13 years ago on May 13th 2002. For the most part I am good with it now, except I cannot go out alone in the dark, certain smells are a trigger particularly men's cologne, the nightmares and flashbacks that reoccur. Now I have discovered my neighbour has the same name and the person who did it to me was a neighbour so that has triggered me a lot lately. But one step at a time and one day I will deal with it a lot better, I know I will.

Friday, 3 April 2015

Marriage ... til death do us part.

Recently my husband and I seperated. I went through a week of feeling sorry for myself. My medication got increased, my therapy sessions got increased and you know what I learnt?
It wasn't all his fault!
I blamed him, he barely lifts a finger around the house, can have a short fuse, gets frustrated and petty things,  is hard to live with being so old fashioned (very anti Internet)
But as I got talking, cry (mainly crying) and venting I had one of those light bulb moments. My medication really hasn't been helping me at all. My bipolar and borderline personality disorder are still way out of control. This was the main reason he left. Not to be an ass about it I realise now but he hated what he was seeing and we both needed time to reflect.

Anyway it's been about 3 weeks since that happened. Last night he stayed the night. We talked and talked. I realised I love him more than I can describe. He's not perfect,  he can be an ass, he is a little controlling but he is a good guy.
I'll cop a lot of abuse from friends and family over the decision to try and save my marriage and provide a family for my children. Everybody only sees the bad, they don't notice the nights he sits up rubbing someone's sore head or the food he puts on the table.

It's not going to be perfect, name one relationship that is?
We BOTH need to change and work on things,  most of all we have lost how to communicate with each other respectfully, we are both in the wrong for this.

We made a vow and I want to honor that.