Thursday, 19 December 2013

Food diary

One of my favourite motivational people is Michelle Bridges and I've signed up for her 12wbt the round starts in 2014 and we have a few pre season tasks to do, one of which is for the entire week write down everything that enters our mouth, it should be confronting, eye opening and life changing.

Signing up for the 12 WBT is going to be great, like minded people all with a goal. Bring it on! 

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Why is food so important in this transformation of our lives?

Food is vital for the changes in our families life because as you all know I am battling bi-polar without medication so food plays a very important part, the healthier the food the better I seem to be.
My twins who are 2 also have dairy, soy and casein allergies which makes shopping, cooking and finding recipes a challenge.
My 5 year old daughter who is borderline aspergers but has to be reassessed once she starts school and a lot of foods she reacts to, the more gluten she consumes the more meltdowns she has so we have now eliminated gluten as well.
Not only does this now seem a very costly venture but a frustrating one too.  There are so. Many books out there for nut free cooking or egg free or dairy free but nothing that is  a complete package, I'll find one recipe that is dairy, casein and gluten free but will contain soy and I don't know a substitute.

School lunches are what seems to be another struggle, along with the lack of time factor I am struggling to find suitable school snacks as they also need to be nut free to follow school policy.
So school snacks need to be nut, dairy, casein, gluten AND soy free, I know the twins aren't yet in school so the soy and dairy isn't a must BUT I do want to be able to make snacks that the whole family can eat and not have to worry.

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Pregnant at 15

It has been a while since I told the story of how I conceived my first child, time for the next installment of how my life fell apart. Excuse me if this post seems rushed, I have my 2 year old twins climbing all over me like I'm the latest climbing frame.
Hiding the bump from my parents was pretty easy, I never got that big and my school jumper concealed it nicely, I was too scared to tell them. I had seen how much they had downgraded and ridiculed two of my cousins who had babies at 16, they would never accept this. They wouldn't even believe I was raped if I told them, the only person they believe is my sister. 
My mother lost all my trust when at 12 years old she made me do a pregnancy test and called me a tramp whilst I cried and begged and pleaded for her to believe me that I was a virgin, I hadn't ever had a period even. I'd never even kissed a boy but had a boyfriend at school, the most we did was play chasey!
I never once got an apology for that and lost all respect and trust for her which to this day is still absent.
Back on track even if they did believe me about the rape I didn't want to tell them, I was still ashamed and didn't want to relive that moment ever again. So I decided not to, if you ignore things they go away don't they?
Obviously I was wrong with that logic they don't go away but I did my very best to ignore it. The year before all of this my parents had decided to move to Australia, we had been accepted, in June our house sold and tickets were booked to leave the UK in August 2002. I would be 11 weeks pregnant, still silently hoping to miscarry, still secretly thinking this baby maybe good though, somebody to actually love me.
D and his mum had made plans to come over and see me after I moved, the only thing keeping me sane, I didn't want to move half way around the world.
Once we got here my dad wanted all these photos to send back/brag to family back in the UK, I had the smallest of bumps but to me it looked huge, I refused to take my jumper off and fake this Australia is so hot even in winter deception  he wanted me to play a part of.
Apart from a small bump forming I had a very easy pregnancy so far, D was coming with his mum from October 6 2002 to December 9 2002.
When D came over I stayed with them in the motel most of the time, my parents hated it which made me love it even more. When D got here I was 21 weeks pregnant, I'd had one scan in the UK which D's mum took me to but since arriving here I had no prenatal care at all, I was scared, I was alone here. It was so nice being in that motel not feeling swamped in clothes to hide the bump, I could allow myself to put my hand on my belly when my baby kicked, talk to him/her, plan things. D's mum was going to help me get a house with an organisation that helps young parents. 

November 5th 25 weeks and 1 day pregnant, I didn't feel very well. I was dizzy and vomiting, D's mum wanted to take me to the Dr. I told her I would lie down and if in an hour I till felt like this then I would. She ended up letting me sleep much longer. I woke up at 11.30pm, I thought Id wet the bed. I stumbled out of bed trying not to wake up D, I flicked the lamp on and what I saw was like something out of a murder movie. I was covered in blood, the bed, D since he was asleep in the bed.  
I screamed, I froze, woke everybody up. D's mum called an ambulance and it felt like forever until they arrived, really it was only around 10 minutes.
It was around midnight when we got to the hospital on November 6th. 
They spoke to me quickly and it was decided that I'd have an emergency c-section even though the bleeding had almost stopped but because it was so heavy they wanted to take no risks as they thought my placenta was coming away which could be fatal for me as well as the baby! as I was being prepped for surgery I felt a huge urge to push! I'd been mildly contracting but not anything that really stopped me in my tracks though I was blocking everything due to the fear so perhaps I just missed the pain, since the rape I'd become good at blocking reality out.
Just 2 pushes later and a little baby boy was born, he was rushed immediately away. 2 hours later I was allowed to see him, so tiny. The drs wanted to talk to me, despite the tremendous efforts they were putting in his body was shutting down they advised it would be best to take him off the machines and let him pass peacefully rather than prolong what seemed to be the inevitable.
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to decide and if I hadve been this age I would probably have fighted but being 15 I wasn't mature enough for this kind of decision. The social worker was also with them and briefly spoke to me.
At 4.17am his machines were turned off and at 4.21am he grew his wings. I'm glad I got to hold him as he passed, I just wish I had have held him longer. I only have one photograph of him that D's mum took, at the time I didn't see why I'd want photos, why would I want to remember this?

Anthony James
Born November 6th 2002 at 12.47am
Weight: 1lb 1oz
His length was never recorded to my knowledge 
Passed away November 6th 2002 at 4.21am

I would like to thank the staff and the dr who came in when it was only the early hours of the morning to discuss this with me on his day off, his daughter was a rape victim and a teen mother so his words were the kindest most supportive I have heard.

Friday, 29 November 2013

The $550 a month challenge

I am putting myself (and family) on a strict budget. We shop fortnightly (every 2 weeks) so my aim is to spend no more than $225 every 2 weeks to feed a family of 6.
Some may say it's impossible especially since I'm going down the clean eating/healthy path, I don't even know if it's possible but with 2 children in private school by the start of next year (still cannot believe my Miss 5 is going to school!) I am going to need to cut back and stick to a strict budget and this is where it starts.
We have a great fruit and veg store which is super cheap you can often pick up carrots for 19c per kilo, bananas for 89c per kilo so we save lots by shopping there. If I bulk our meals up with veg rather than meat not only will it benefit our health but our pockets too! 

So here is our first meal plan. I make everything in bulk so what we have this Monday we will have next Monday too, if the recipes serves 6 I buy ingredients for 12, it saves time and money.

M- Breakfast Berry Crumble
T- Breakfast Smoothie (banana, pineapple, kale, blueberries and strawberries)
W- Peanut Butter Strawberry Parfait
T- Yogurt & Fruit
F- Sweet Potato & Brussel Sprout Hash
S- Eggs Benedict with Asparagus
S- French Toast with Berries

LUNCHES (here is where it is a little repetitive)
M- Crunchy Asian Chicken Salad
T- Summer Wraps
W- Crunchy Asian Chicken Salad
T- Taco Salad
F- Summer Wraps
S- Quesadillas
S- Sweet Potato & Asparagus Soup

M- Baked Fish with Carrots and Zucchini
T- Pumpkin Soup
W- Tacos
T- White Chicken Chilli 
F- Brown Fried Rice
S- Baked Sweet Potatoes with White Chilli 
S- Quesadillas

Blueberries frozen in yoghurt
Frozen banana slices with peanut butter
Celery with almond butter and sultanas

Seeing it written like this I must admit, I am a little worried about the budget! So it is time to write th shopping list and get an average from the supermarkets online shopping carts.
I get free delivery with Coles so have decided to go with them for the bulk. Here is my total:

I still have to do fruit and veg usually I spend $40, I have put aside $75 which equals $212.08 so perfectly in budget!
I presumed healthy eating was costly this shopping list includes wholegrain flour, coconut oil and lots of other things I don't have here and nothing in our list is processed. An amazing feeling!

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Blinded by the spiral

The spiral of self destruction, hate and anger. I hate the lows of bi-polar, I feel like I am suffocating on my own life. My husband hates me, my kids are scared of me, is this the way I planned my life? Far from it, I wanted to be that perfect mum, the one you see on TV, the one who always has her shit together. Instead I never have my shit together.
To make matters a bit more complicated my husband also has mental health issues and is currently on a waiting list to see someone to help him, like me he gets angry. Two people both with mental health issues trying to raise a family, some days I just want to drop my kids of somewhere and walk away, not because I don't love them, the very opposite. I love them so much I don't want them to hurt anymore, don't want them to see the lows, be on the receiving end of the monster that is me. I don't want them to hate me.
When I'm angry, I scare myself, I don't see triggers, I don't see any warning that it's coming, just bang here's the monster. It gives me horrendous stomach aches, headaches, I'm left feeling dizzy, numb and empty. I never used to be like this and I hate that I have become this.
So what is the point you may ask in this post of self pity? The point is I want to change, I want to be happy, I want a stable family, one that doesn't walk on egg shells constantly.

How am I going to do this? I already see a therapist once every two weeks and whilst I feel better there it doesn't change anything when I get back home. I twist everything to be my husbands fault, like my hate against the world is because of him, deep down it's not and I thank him for staying with me when I would've walked away a long time ago. Back on track to this I am in combination with seeing my therapist going to change my life for the better through exercise and healthy eating. I'm actually quite disgusted with how I look, it could be a lot worse but it also can be a lot better. I weigh 57 kilos and that's the heaviest I have been (except during pregnancy), since my c-sections thanks to today's chop happy medical system I've always had a muffin top but not it's bad. I can lift my gut up and drop it back down. Before my twins I've always had a flat stomach, laughed about how I could eat anything and not gain weight, well now all those lollies, chips, fried food, chocolate and soft drinks are all having a big hard laugh at me.
I've always been very self conscious when it comes to my weight, I was 19 had met my husband and just moved in with him after leaving domestic violence, I was under weight, I weighed 43 kilos. My husband helped me start eating properly again (not so much properly it wasn't healthy food but it was food, I ate maybe 3-4 meals a week back then) as soon as I hit around 47 my own mother started saying I needed to exercise and walk more because I was fat.
This "project" for me isn't about weight loss though it's about becoming healthy, mind, body and spirit but I certainly won't complain when my body looks better! 

So what's the plan? Workout 4-5 times a week and eat 5 healthy meals a day (breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner) by eating these smaller but more regular meals I will feel fuller for longer and not feel the need to snack/binge.
This set of photos is very embarrassing but what is this journey without being able to document progress? Excuse the huge crack in my mirror and one of my twins who can sense a camera anywhere! 

Monday, 18 November 2013

Who am I?

Good question .....
I know the basics; name, age, where I live, occupation etc, but WHO am I?
I suppose this is where I should tell my story which lead to this blog.
For my own sake I need to do it stages, so here is where I think it began
4 months after my 15th I lived in the UK in a quiet cul-de-sac, England gets dark really early, way too early, we would leave school sometimes and it would be getting dark. I had gone to a friends house for dinner and had to be home by 9pm, I was walking along my street at 8.50pm, my street had a hill, it was straight to begin with then a sharp 90 degree turn to the right, a steep hill, then another shap turn to the right and about 2 houses after that was mine. I hated my street when it was dark, I always felt like I was being followed or watched, it turns out I was.
That night as I turned the first bend my life changed forever, I was raped. He was 20 and had lived on my street for years, I walked past him everyday. Obviously I got home late and was grounded, I didn't tell anyone what happened, I didn't want to, I was too scared, too ashamed, too numb.

After that night, I changed a lot, I didn't care anymore. I became isolated, I thought if I told anyone they'd judge me, I felt dirty enough without judgement. I broke up with my boyfriend A for a few reasons, stopped being around my friends, stopped listening to typical boy band music and started listening to Korn, Slipknot etc. I couldn't focus at school anymore and was getting quite a few detentions for my attitude.
This is also when I started cutting myself, the only thing that seemed to release the pain inside. Self harm is scarily addictive, I still have moments to this day where I think about it.

There was another boy I was seeing his name is D. He was my neighbours grandson, he wasn't what I usually went for he was rough around the edges and I knew my dad would hate him, so with all my hatred towards the world now this seemed like a perfect idea. 
I was sick, really sick, losing weight, couldn't hold food down, just horrible. I presumed it was stress from this secret I was holding, the effects of no sleep and if I did fall asleep the nightmares.
D's mum said half joking one day when was your last period? Gosh, I don't know, what 15 year old tracks that? 
The only time I'd had sex was when I was raped so being pregnant wasn't even an idea in my mind. D's mum went to the shop and came back with a box of pregnancy tests, to shut her up I took one into the bathroom with me.

No denying the result of that. So not only did he rape me, he got me pregnant too, I spent the next 3 hours continually vomiting, not because of morning sickness but the shock, the disgust, the fear.
How could I tell my parents I was pregnant? Would I tell them I was raped or let them assume the baby was D's? How could I have a baby? 
More on the pregnancy next post. Thanks for reading something so incredibly hard to talk about, this is the most detail I've gone into in 12 years.