Sunday, 24 November 2013

Blinded by the spiral

The spiral of self destruction, hate and anger. I hate the lows of bi-polar, I feel like I am suffocating on my own life. My husband hates me, my kids are scared of me, is this the way I planned my life? Far from it, I wanted to be that perfect mum, the one you see on TV, the one who always has her shit together. Instead I never have my shit together.
To make matters a bit more complicated my husband also has mental health issues and is currently on a waiting list to see someone to help him, like me he gets angry. Two people both with mental health issues trying to raise a family, some days I just want to drop my kids of somewhere and walk away, not because I don't love them, the very opposite. I love them so much I don't want them to hurt anymore, don't want them to see the lows, be on the receiving end of the monster that is me. I don't want them to hate me.
When I'm angry, I scare myself, I don't see triggers, I don't see any warning that it's coming, just bang here's the monster. It gives me horrendous stomach aches, headaches, I'm left feeling dizzy, numb and empty. I never used to be like this and I hate that I have become this.
So what is the point you may ask in this post of self pity? The point is I want to change, I want to be happy, I want a stable family, one that doesn't walk on egg shells constantly.

How am I going to do this? I already see a therapist once every two weeks and whilst I feel better there it doesn't change anything when I get back home. I twist everything to be my husbands fault, like my hate against the world is because of him, deep down it's not and I thank him for staying with me when I would've walked away a long time ago. Back on track to this I am in combination with seeing my therapist going to change my life for the better through exercise and healthy eating. I'm actually quite disgusted with how I look, it could be a lot worse but it also can be a lot better. I weigh 57 kilos and that's the heaviest I have been (except during pregnancy), since my c-sections thanks to today's chop happy medical system I've always had a muffin top but not it's bad. I can lift my gut up and drop it back down. Before my twins I've always had a flat stomach, laughed about how I could eat anything and not gain weight, well now all those lollies, chips, fried food, chocolate and soft drinks are all having a big hard laugh at me.
I've always been very self conscious when it comes to my weight, I was 19 had met my husband and just moved in with him after leaving domestic violence, I was under weight, I weighed 43 kilos. My husband helped me start eating properly again (not so much properly it wasn't healthy food but it was food, I ate maybe 3-4 meals a week back then) as soon as I hit around 47 my own mother started saying I needed to exercise and walk more because I was fat.
This "project" for me isn't about weight loss though it's about becoming healthy, mind, body and spirit but I certainly won't complain when my body looks better! 

So what's the plan? Workout 4-5 times a week and eat 5 healthy meals a day (breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner) by eating these smaller but more regular meals I will feel fuller for longer and not feel the need to snack/binge.
This set of photos is very embarrassing but what is this journey without being able to document progress? Excuse the huge crack in my mirror and one of my twins who can sense a camera anywhere! 

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