Monday, 18 November 2013

Who am I?

Good question .....
I know the basics; name, age, where I live, occupation etc, but WHO am I?
I suppose this is where I should tell my story which lead to this blog.
For my own sake I need to do it stages, so here is where I think it began
4 months after my 15th I lived in the UK in a quiet cul-de-sac, England gets dark really early, way too early, we would leave school sometimes and it would be getting dark. I had gone to a friends house for dinner and had to be home by 9pm, I was walking along my street at 8.50pm, my street had a hill, it was straight to begin with then a sharp 90 degree turn to the right, a steep hill, then another shap turn to the right and about 2 houses after that was mine. I hated my street when it was dark, I always felt like I was being followed or watched, it turns out I was.
That night as I turned the first bend my life changed forever, I was raped. He was 20 and had lived on my street for years, I walked past him everyday. Obviously I got home late and was grounded, I didn't tell anyone what happened, I didn't want to, I was too scared, too ashamed, too numb.

After that night, I changed a lot, I didn't care anymore. I became isolated, I thought if I told anyone they'd judge me, I felt dirty enough without judgement. I broke up with my boyfriend A for a few reasons, stopped being around my friends, stopped listening to typical boy band music and started listening to Korn, Slipknot etc. I couldn't focus at school anymore and was getting quite a few detentions for my attitude.
This is also when I started cutting myself, the only thing that seemed to release the pain inside. Self harm is scarily addictive, I still have moments to this day where I think about it.

There was another boy I was seeing his name is D. He was my neighbours grandson, he wasn't what I usually went for he was rough around the edges and I knew my dad would hate him, so with all my hatred towards the world now this seemed like a perfect idea. 
I was sick, really sick, losing weight, couldn't hold food down, just horrible. I presumed it was stress from this secret I was holding, the effects of no sleep and if I did fall asleep the nightmares.
D's mum said half joking one day when was your last period? Gosh, I don't know, what 15 year old tracks that? 
The only time I'd had sex was when I was raped so being pregnant wasn't even an idea in my mind. D's mum went to the shop and came back with a box of pregnancy tests, to shut her up I took one into the bathroom with me.

No denying the result of that. So not only did he rape me, he got me pregnant too, I spent the next 3 hours continually vomiting, not because of morning sickness but the shock, the disgust, the fear.
How could I tell my parents I was pregnant? Would I tell them I was raped or let them assume the baby was D's? How could I have a baby? 
More on the pregnancy next post. Thanks for reading something so incredibly hard to talk about, this is the most detail I've gone into in 12 years.

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