Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Pregnant at 15

It has been a while since I told the story of how I conceived my first child, time for the next installment of how my life fell apart. Excuse me if this post seems rushed, I have my 2 year old twins climbing all over me like I'm the latest climbing frame.
Hiding the bump from my parents was pretty easy, I never got that big and my school jumper concealed it nicely, I was too scared to tell them. I had seen how much they had downgraded and ridiculed two of my cousins who had babies at 16, they would never accept this. They wouldn't even believe I was raped if I told them, the only person they believe is my sister. 
My mother lost all my trust when at 12 years old she made me do a pregnancy test and called me a tramp whilst I cried and begged and pleaded for her to believe me that I was a virgin, I hadn't ever had a period even. I'd never even kissed a boy but had a boyfriend at school, the most we did was play chasey!
I never once got an apology for that and lost all respect and trust for her which to this day is still absent.
Back on track even if they did believe me about the rape I didn't want to tell them, I was still ashamed and didn't want to relive that moment ever again. So I decided not to, if you ignore things they go away don't they?
Obviously I was wrong with that logic they don't go away but I did my very best to ignore it. The year before all of this my parents had decided to move to Australia, we had been accepted, in June our house sold and tickets were booked to leave the UK in August 2002. I would be 11 weeks pregnant, still silently hoping to miscarry, still secretly thinking this baby maybe good though, somebody to actually love me.
D and his mum had made plans to come over and see me after I moved, the only thing keeping me sane, I didn't want to move half way around the world.
Once we got here my dad wanted all these photos to send back/brag to family back in the UK, I had the smallest of bumps but to me it looked huge, I refused to take my jumper off and fake this Australia is so hot even in winter deception  he wanted me to play a part of.
Apart from a small bump forming I had a very easy pregnancy so far, D was coming with his mum from October 6 2002 to December 9 2002.
When D came over I stayed with them in the motel most of the time, my parents hated it which made me love it even more. When D got here I was 21 weeks pregnant, I'd had one scan in the UK which D's mum took me to but since arriving here I had no prenatal care at all, I was scared, I was alone here. It was so nice being in that motel not feeling swamped in clothes to hide the bump, I could allow myself to put my hand on my belly when my baby kicked, talk to him/her, plan things. D's mum was going to help me get a house with an organisation that helps young parents. 

November 5th 25 weeks and 1 day pregnant, I didn't feel very well. I was dizzy and vomiting, D's mum wanted to take me to the Dr. I told her I would lie down and if in an hour I till felt like this then I would. She ended up letting me sleep much longer. I woke up at 11.30pm, I thought Id wet the bed. I stumbled out of bed trying not to wake up D, I flicked the lamp on and what I saw was like something out of a murder movie. I was covered in blood, the bed, D since he was asleep in the bed.  
I screamed, I froze, woke everybody up. D's mum called an ambulance and it felt like forever until they arrived, really it was only around 10 minutes.
It was around midnight when we got to the hospital on November 6th. 
They spoke to me quickly and it was decided that I'd have an emergency c-section even though the bleeding had almost stopped but because it was so heavy they wanted to take no risks as they thought my placenta was coming away which could be fatal for me as well as the baby! as I was being prepped for surgery I felt a huge urge to push! I'd been mildly contracting but not anything that really stopped me in my tracks though I was blocking everything due to the fear so perhaps I just missed the pain, since the rape I'd become good at blocking reality out.
Just 2 pushes later and a little baby boy was born, he was rushed immediately away. 2 hours later I was allowed to see him, so tiny. The drs wanted to talk to me, despite the tremendous efforts they were putting in his body was shutting down they advised it would be best to take him off the machines and let him pass peacefully rather than prolong what seemed to be the inevitable.
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to decide and if I hadve been this age I would probably have fighted but being 15 I wasn't mature enough for this kind of decision. The social worker was also with them and briefly spoke to me.
At 4.17am his machines were turned off and at 4.21am he grew his wings. I'm glad I got to hold him as he passed, I just wish I had have held him longer. I only have one photograph of him that D's mum took, at the time I didn't see why I'd want photos, why would I want to remember this?

Anthony James
Born November 6th 2002 at 12.47am
Weight: 1lb 1oz
His length was never recorded to my knowledge 
Passed away November 6th 2002 at 4.21am

I would like to thank the staff and the dr who came in when it was only the early hours of the morning to discuss this with me on his day off, his daughter was a rape victim and a teen mother so his words were the kindest most supportive I have heard.

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