Tuesday, 13 January 2015

The guilty mirror

Okay so I know a mirror can't really be guilty more just the image looking back at me, deep within my soul, pouring out, crying even screaming to be heard.

I can't even say that image is me. The person staring back is unrecognisable to me. Everything I always said I would never become. Full of hatred and fear. Full of anger and hurt. A demon, so vile it destroys everthing in its path, no matter what or who that is. There is no colour, just black and white and even then more black than white.

The person, can it even be described as a person I think not, the thing in the mirror, it doesn't deserve children. They need more. They need to not live in fear of this thing, the thing lashes out all the time, it is hurtful, the names it calls people are horrible, it doesn't care, it doesn't stop.
It pushes, it shoves, it puts you down until you can't sink any further. Children don't need that, it doesn't just do it to them though, it does it to the body it has taken over, consumed the soul so there is nothing left just a hollow shell.

You can't even hide from the thing when it's inside you, everyday you vow that you won't let it win, you're stronger than that but it always wins.

Hiding in the bedroom letting children run the house (which now looks like a rather large tornado hit it)  just so the thing cannot get to them, living in fear everyday, crying because the guilt just overflows.

If you haven't guessed it yet this is how I am feeling right about now, I can't even call my mental health team at the hospital because my phone is flat and I don't know where the charger is and I don't want to go find it in fear of exploding. If only I could fall asleep and never wake up, I know I am not that lucky though. Maybe I should move out on my own away from everyone just run as far as I can to protect them.

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