Saturday, 7 February 2015

The pull

II've been a heroin addict for 13 years now, I class myself as being an addict still because I don't believe you're ever "cured" you can be recovered for 40 years but people still relapse, that struggle always exists. 
At times it's barely there, other times it is everywhere you go. For me it's everywhere I go at the moment, every turn, every breath.
It's been 9 months since my last relapse. I've had more cravings in this last 9 months as I drag up my past than I have in years. 
I'd give a lot to just go get loaded right now, numb the pain, the glow, the relaxation. 

I know that rush never lasts long, the more you use to try and get it back the worse it is, yet you always wait for it despite the fact it's not coming.
I'm not sure what has triggered this. I have phases like this but not so intense. I can honestly say the only reason I'm not loaded right now is because my car isn't working, I'd walk but it's dark outside and the kids are asleep, it is taking a lot of strength to stay still though and it's exhausting.

I wake up thinking the only thing that is going to get me through that day is a hit. I'm agitated. I'm twitchy. All my head thinks about is how, where, why? I'm glad for now it's still thinking why.
I can't afford to be an addict, I don't want to be an addict. 

I need distractions, I wish this would go away. Need sleep, hopefully tomorrow is easier.

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