Sunday, 17 August 2014

A week as the monster

The monster is what I now call myself during my depressive states. I have become a monster. I don't even recognise myself anymore.
Yesterday morning I smashed a window in a rage, I didn't mean to break it but I kicked something in the lounge room and it hit the window.
I self harmed for the first time in a long time last night and now everything that touches my arm makes it burn.

I don't even know what has made me like this, everyday I am yelling, putting down those I love, being down right mean to them, degrading them. I am everything I always avoided, everything I ran away from. I am abusive to my family and I want it to stop now.

I cannot keep doing it to them, I do not want my children to end up as screwed up as I am, I want to fix me so I don't break them.

I already get professional help and currently not medicated, we are working towards that with the people I see at the psychiatric hospital. I need ways of stopping myself in that moment, how do I do that when I don't see the moment until it's too late, until I am too angry to stop and it just keeps coming and coming.
I don't even get a little ticked off these days I go from fine to an absolute rage in a second, I don't see it coming and I don't know how to stop it.
I have tried walks, going out for a while when I am angry if hubby is home to watch the kids and it doesn't work for me. I am thinking of doing yoga and meditation.

All I know right now is I hate who I have become, I am an empty shell, I do not recognise myself anymore, I do not want to be this person/thing I have become. I want to be happy, I want to love my kids, I want my kids to love me, I want to laugh, I want to be able to hug my family without feeling sick and repulsed, I want to feel warm and fuzzy again, I want to smile - a real smile not a forced one, I want to laugh so hard I cry, so much it hurts your chest. I want to feel light again not heavy.
I will be me again, I will!

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