Monday, 18 August 2014

Nothing is left just a hollow shell

Yesterday I turned 16 weeks pregnant.
It should be happy, we (well I) have been busy picking out baby furniture and prams, we have discussed names, bought outfits all that stuff you do when planning for a baby.

This was a 15 week picture, I didn't take a 16 week one, bump was progressing very well, we had the heartbeat checked with a doppler a few days ago and all was amazing.

That has all come crashing down and exploded in a big firey mess. 2 days ago I started bleeding and went to go get checked out because there was quite a lot of blood and it was bright red and had started to follow up with cramping. Waited around at the hospital for ages before being seen and they confirmed it, our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

Thankfully I have been able to come home and try pass the baby naturally rather than  a D&C.
This is my 11th miscarriage, yes 11th. I have been thrown off parenting forums before as the admin team didn't seem to believe somebody can miscarry so often but when you have a condition called Asherman's Syndrome it makes this a reality/nightmare for me, so please before judging somebody take a second to think and even talk to them because I was never allowed to give my side.

Now I am left feeling empty, more empty than usual. Normally when we miscarry I think it's ok we will get pregnant again and hope like crazy again, except this time I promised my husband was the last time I would put myself through this, there is no more chances. No more babies.

I can't type about this anymore at the moment, it hurts too much.

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