Friday, 19 June 2015

Dear Husband

Dear Husband, We have been through so, so much together. Joy, sadness, difficult times, amazing times. We have gained children, we have lost children. Together we have been through almost everything imaginable, although we have our rough times and they seem to take over the good times at the moment we are still here, still fighting together. I love you with all my heart, I know it hurts you when I say I want you to leave, it hurts me too - more than you'll ever know. I never asked to be diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It is scary, it is confusing, it has turned me into somebody I hate. I don't want to be a horrible wife or a horrible mother but it has warped me that way and I promise you I am going to do everything in my power to change that. I want to be able to show you all love not just hate, I don't want to be constantly yelling and feeling angry. The more angry I get, the more I hate myself, then that makes me angrier and we go around in a vicious circle. I am very, very grateful for everything (well most things!) that you do. You've spent hours and we have spent so much money trying to fix the car, you work hard to provide for us. We may not have much to show for it, we still rent, our furniture is crap and our house looks like shit but you work hard for us, you sacrifice spending time with us to be out on the road for days at a time for us. We love you for it. I love that look you get on your face when your eyes sparkle and you get those cute little dimples, I want to go back to the days where we would put the kids to bed and sit and spend time together, not just in the same room with you on the iPad and me on my phone but genuinely together, lying close to each other on the couch watching a movie or tv show. Even just working together like we used to like one washes one dries or one does the dishes while the other does the laundry, I miss being a part of your team instead it feels like we are opponents working against each other, can we change that please? I want to be on your team. Forever and Always Your awesome wife xoxo

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