Friday, 20 June 2014

It's a confidence building exercise

**This post is about sexual assault so please if this topic is a trigger for you either don't read or read on with caution**
It wasn't until recently that I realised I have been sexually assaulted more times than just the time I was raped, just because intercourse wasn't involved doesn't mean it wasn't assault.
Firstly we will start with my father in law - yes my husbands own father. I had just had my third child, she was around 3-4 months old and my husband was at work, my father in law stopped by which never happened as he lived quite some distance so I wasn't uncomfortable by this, I assumed he had come to see his new grandaughter, my husbands first child.
She fell asleep shortly after he arrived and he said are you coming out for a smoke? Being a smoker at the time I said yes, we smoked out in the garage.
We had been out there for about 15 minutes when he said come here, I did. He hugged me, this was nothing new he had always been very affectionate and I had never thought anything of it, I actually liked it. Then he kissed me, on the lips and I could feel his tongue trying to force its way into my mouth. I was 21 and he was 60. I didn't say no, I froze, paralysed to the spot. This went on for about half an hour, I couldn't move, talk, nothing, I wasn't even in my own body anymore, disassociation has well and truly kicked in.
Eventually I said I need to check the baby and ran inside and woke the baby and held her close to me the whole time, he left shortly after and I rang my husband in tears.
He of course rang his father and his father said that it was a confidence building exercise for me - how that builds my confidence I have no idea. Well the rest of the family soon heard that I had "accused" him of these things and then a few other family members (ex wives of my husbands brothers) came to me and told me of similar experiences they have had with him.
I'm not sure if this is even sexual assault but my trust was shattered as was my husbands, my privacy was invaded, kissing someone in that manner certainly shouldn't be something that goes on with your father in law when you're engaged to be married.
Why didn't I say no? I was scared, plain and simple, I froze.

After I started going to a family violence counselling program the worker there also made me aware that what my ex used to do was sexual assault and rape. Because he was violent if he came home while I was in bed I would pretend to be asleep, if he wanted sex he would just take it with me still pretending to be asleep, call me stupid but until recently I thought that was ok because we were together so he was entitled to do that but no he was not because if I were actually asleep I would not have been in a position to say no.

There is one more incident but I am not yet ready to tell that story as it is very recent (only a few months ago) 

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