Saturday, 11 January 2014

A rainbow in the storm

I always wanted to have 3 children, I looked at people with a whole tribe and thought they were insane and/or stupid. I dreamed of giving my kids everything they ever wanted living a luxurious life like you see in the magazines, a pool out the back, a fancy car, expensive holidays, nice big house with expensive furniture.
What have I got? 6 children (2 are in heaven, 4 are here on earth), a small rented 3 bedroom house, mostly second hand furniture, a car that fits us all in and gets us from a to b (just!), no holidays, no pool and a disaster zone for a house, certainly not magazine worthy more like embarrassed to have guests over!
Lately my depression has spiralled and spiralled fast and hard, I've turned into a monster, screaming at my kids all the time, pushing my husband away. Everyday I tell myself tomorrow will be better, I won't yell, I'll make them feel loved but I wake up and it's the same old thing. My kids will no doubt need therapy later in life to get over how horrible I am.
I never usually tell people how bad it is because I'm afraid, I know I'm mean, I know I say things I regret and really shouldn't, I know I snap without any warning signs that I can see, I regret every single thing I say and do, can I help it? No.
It sounds like a cop out I know, oh but I couldn't help it. I literally see no warning signs though no time to walk away and take a breather, I go from completely calm to snap instantly and I can tell you right now it is terrifying.
But what's more terrifying? The fact that we are expecting another baby!

We are approximately 8-9 weeks along, to be honest I really believe this baby is going to save me, help me become a better person. Yes we are going to be cramming 7 people into a 3 bedroom house, luckily our car has 8 seats, it will make money tighter but thankfully we cloth diaper, breastfeed, cosleep and babywear so don't need a lot for a baby just love which we have (or learning to have again).
So another baby may not be ideal but it is happening and I really, truly believe it is a blessing. Due to our losses we are keeping this hush from family for a little while until we have had ultrasounds to put our minds at ease.

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